I am nonplussed. Now, despite Left Thumb's arguments that this could very easily mean I am also non-subtracted and hence neutral, this is not the fashion in which you, the reader, should comprehend my statement of dissatisfaction. What has me so perturbed? Well, Stephanie Meyers, obviously, but beyond her attempts to return literature to the stone age (although, this might be an insult to rocks), numbers bother me. On the West Wing, Josh Lyman once said "Numbers don't lie." Joey Lucas astutely responded. "Of course they do. They lie all the time."
So let's get to it. Some are purveyors of the truth, others are dastardly (like 156. watch out for 156). But either way, they (or their being ignored by people) annoy me. Actually, they enrage me. Right Thumb is enraged.
156. Let's face it. This number lies all the time. You know it does. I know it does. Let's just get rid of it. Who is up for going from 155-157?
12,000,000,000,000: This is how much money we owe people. Needless to say, I am not a big fan of gargantuan numbers which represent money I owe to other people unless there is a cute little "-" before the number begins. Of course, there isn't.
Something like a gazillion: The number of pages in the Senate and House healthcare bills. Easy reading.
3.1: Nuclear power plants, over the long haul, can produce electricity at a relative costs of 2.1-3.1 cents per kilowatt. Coal plants, from 3.7-6.0 cents per kilowatt. So, why are we not making nuclear power plants? I HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE SO EXPLAIN IT TO ME. Granted, the startup costs for a nuclear plant are a much higher percentage of those total long run costs (estimated to be about 50% of the total cost compared with 15% for a coal fired plant's start up costs) but with today's interest rates, who cares?! And these aren't numbers spewed out by some Nuclear Researcher who needs a job. They come from two international organizations, one within the OECD (the Nuclear Energy Agency) as well as the IEA (International Energy Agency). The end is nigh, not because of Mayan calendars ending, but for the same reason the end is always nigh. People. Are. St00pid.
0.0: The effective interest rate in our country right now. Seriously. Look at that number. Somebody tell me this could possibly be a good thing. SOMEONE TELL ME THAT.
*looks around*
No one? Yeah, thought so.
Approaching 70%: The divorce rate in our country. Let's keep advertising contraception on TV though, because clearly it is working.
Some positive number: The amount of money our Treasury Secretary did not pay to the government that he was legally obligated to pay.
3rd: The arguments regarding a "2nd" stimulus bill are really about a third. Bush passed a stimulus bill. We just didn't call it that. But it cost 800 billion dollars and was, for all intents and purposes, a stimulus bill.
6: The number of years you were expected to be dead for by the time you got a single social security check back when social security was invented.
20: The number of years life expectancy has increased since social security was invented.
14: The difference between those two numbers.
8: The number of years since the Twin Towers got knocked over by a bunch of evil thugs.
0: The number of large buildings we have built where the Twin Towers used to be. I'd say shameful, but this is just the way we operate now. When was the last great public works project this country undertook? The transcontinental railroad? We might as well hold up a sign: knock our buildings down... we'll talk about our resiliency a lot, maybe even invade some countries we picked out of a hat, but we won't actually fix anything!
Let's end on a happier note:
25: Days until Christmas. Have a wonderful season.
~Right Thumb~
Monday, November 30, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Robber and Robbed: Subjectivist Slamming
This post is being made in response to one of our readers, who, in commenting upon one of our posts, expressed dissatisfaction with the intelligence level of our philosophical foils. (Let it never be said that we do not heed the comments. So go comment. Now.) This reader was of course right in that Ayn Rand’s IQ was lower than the temperature in Antarctica or even the IQ of Uwe Boll. According to reliable sources,* any IQ beneath 70 is considered feeble-minded. By this measure, Ayn Rand’s mind was so feeble it couldn’t make it from the easy chair to the bathroom without a team of social workers.
And so I have decided to up the ante with this post—philosophically speaking, that is. And also normally speaking. While my subject today still deserves a hefty dose of Thumb-style ridicule, he was actually kind of a Smart Guy. Arguably. But he was dastardly.
Robber: Immanuel Kant
Robbed: Western civilization
Oh, he played innocent. Look at old Immanuel, no harm to anybody. He just stares at a church steeple all day and then scribbles down some notes about Life, the Universe and Everything.** He’d never hurt a fly, let alone set humanity upon a downward spiral of philosophical inquiry that would hold us at a virtual standstill for at least several centuries and lead to widespread relativism and denial of the metaphysical and epistemological basis of the concept of truth in the human mind.
My purpose is not to delve into Immanuel’s actual philosophy. That would frankly bore readers, and would also require that I actually read his stuff. I have no intention of doing so in the near future, not because I don’t occasionally enjoy inhaling feces directly from the page, but because there are simply too many other good Books around. Like Asimov. But it might be good to show you readers the big picture, at least, and see why his influence has been so perfidious.
After and because of Immanuel, philosophers began to think you couldn’t talk about Truth anymore. It was merely a measure of subjective experience, they said, and not a statement about reality.
While I will not try here to refute Immanuel and his band of groupies in any philosophical sense,*** I will say that this is simply excrement. 2001 really is the greatest movie ever made, not just subjectively so. Millennium Force really is one step beneath heaven. This post really is about Immanuel Kant. Right Thumb really is smarter than you.
Now let’s take a look at a few quotes. Just for fun.
“Happiness is not an ideal of reason, but of imagination.”
If I can understand what he’s saying here (and if I can’t, it’s not a failing on my part but just that ol’ Immanuel liked to be ambiguous), he’s saying that when you actually think about it, happiness doesn’t really exist. Hah-hah! Immanuel clearly never watched Battlestar Galactica. Or Star Trek. Or read Two Thumbs Sideways. Then he would know happiness. (Possibly even ecstasy in the last case.) He must have led a bleak and dreary life. I’ll bet nobody ever gave him a kitten.
“I had therefore to remove knowledge, in order to make room for belief.”
No, you just believed you had to do this.
“Immaturity is the incapacity to use one's intelligence without the guidance of another.”
The other day I saw an elderly gentleman asking for help with his tax returns. I guffawed and said to Right Thumb, “Hehe, so immature!” (As a side-note, Right Thumb’s response was a veritable diarrhea-of-the-mouth concerning the economic theory behind senior citizens, taxes, policy-making, and The West Wing. He clearly felt strongly about many of the issues involved, although I could never quite make out his exact opinions.)
“In law a man is guilty when he violates the rights of others. In ethics he is guilty if he only thinks of doing so.”
I once thought of burning Critique of Pure Reason over Immanuel’s grave. Then I realized the fire might spread so I gave up on it. Oops, I’m unethical.
Now it’s time to finish up with Mr. Kant, simply because I cannot take any more of this. And remember, this post really did exist. Now, to see if our readers do.
> Left Thumb <
* Meaning a Google search.
** Although he was a Smart Guy, Immanuel was not quite smart enough to reach the conclusion of “42”.
*** I am certainly up to the task, but this would once again simply bore our readers to tears. That is, if tears exist other than in my subjective experience.
And so I have decided to up the ante with this post—philosophically speaking, that is. And also normally speaking. While my subject today still deserves a hefty dose of Thumb-style ridicule, he was actually kind of a Smart Guy. Arguably. But he was dastardly.
Robber: Immanuel Kant
Robbed: Western civilization
Oh, he played innocent. Look at old Immanuel, no harm to anybody. He just stares at a church steeple all day and then scribbles down some notes about Life, the Universe and Everything.** He’d never hurt a fly, let alone set humanity upon a downward spiral of philosophical inquiry that would hold us at a virtual standstill for at least several centuries and lead to widespread relativism and denial of the metaphysical and epistemological basis of the concept of truth in the human mind.
My purpose is not to delve into Immanuel’s actual philosophy. That would frankly bore readers, and would also require that I actually read his stuff. I have no intention of doing so in the near future, not because I don’t occasionally enjoy inhaling feces directly from the page, but because there are simply too many other good Books around. Like Asimov. But it might be good to show you readers the big picture, at least, and see why his influence has been so perfidious.
After and because of Immanuel, philosophers began to think you couldn’t talk about Truth anymore. It was merely a measure of subjective experience, they said, and not a statement about reality.
While I will not try here to refute Immanuel and his band of groupies in any philosophical sense,*** I will say that this is simply excrement. 2001 really is the greatest movie ever made, not just subjectively so. Millennium Force really is one step beneath heaven. This post really is about Immanuel Kant. Right Thumb really is smarter than you.
Now let’s take a look at a few quotes. Just for fun.
“Happiness is not an ideal of reason, but of imagination.”
If I can understand what he’s saying here (and if I can’t, it’s not a failing on my part but just that ol’ Immanuel liked to be ambiguous), he’s saying that when you actually think about it, happiness doesn’t really exist. Hah-hah! Immanuel clearly never watched Battlestar Galactica. Or Star Trek. Or read Two Thumbs Sideways. Then he would know happiness. (Possibly even ecstasy in the last case.) He must have led a bleak and dreary life. I’ll bet nobody ever gave him a kitten.
“I had therefore to remove knowledge, in order to make room for belief.”
No, you just believed you had to do this.
“Immaturity is the incapacity to use one's intelligence without the guidance of another.”
The other day I saw an elderly gentleman asking for help with his tax returns. I guffawed and said to Right Thumb, “Hehe, so immature!” (As a side-note, Right Thumb’s response was a veritable diarrhea-of-the-mouth concerning the economic theory behind senior citizens, taxes, policy-making, and The West Wing. He clearly felt strongly about many of the issues involved, although I could never quite make out his exact opinions.)
“In law a man is guilty when he violates the rights of others. In ethics he is guilty if he only thinks of doing so.”
I once thought of burning Critique of Pure Reason over Immanuel’s grave. Then I realized the fire might spread so I gave up on it. Oops, I’m unethical.
Now it’s time to finish up with Mr. Kant, simply because I cannot take any more of this. And remember, this post really did exist. Now, to see if our readers do.
> Left Thumb <
* Meaning a Google search.
** Although he was a Smart Guy, Immanuel was not quite smart enough to reach the conclusion of “42”.
*** I am certainly up to the task, but this would once again simply bore our readers to tears. That is, if tears exist other than in my subjective experience.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
The hackneyed, trite, confounded...
...cliche. So abominable, so undesirable, so destructive. No better way to kill a conversation than to pull one of these out of your derriere. While I maintain that it is the French pronunciation that kills them (just imagine how cool they would be if they were pronounced "clish" as opposed to "clee-SHAY"), it is still worth sorting through them. Some are useless, some are horrendous, some are almost forgiveable. Let's get to it.
"All's well that ends well."
Horrendous. First of all, this is simply untrue. The Cold War ended well. This doesn't make me want to have another one (although, Left Thumb still thinks we are in one...) Second, if all parties agree that something ended well, why is there a need to superficially state that fact? And if parties are not all agreed, then... the pointlessness, amazingly, is enhanced.
"Better late then never."
Useless. Being late is very often not better than never. For instance, coming to the Beanie Baby craze late was okay... never finding it at all would have been preferable. Or, finding your pitching talent after you have already been traded from the Yankees is worse than never finding it. For the rest of your life you will regret your tardiness. For the rest of your life.
"You say tomato, I saw tomawto."
No you don't. NO ONE says tomawto.
"Time heals all wounds."
Almost useful. The only problem is...
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."
Leading to the first rule of cliches: you can always find another cliche that says the exact opposite thing.
"Cleanliness is next to godliness."
Excuse me, I need to have a chat with the Almighty. Let me grab my Jergens.
"The plural of anecdote isn't data."
This one is almost forgiveable. Even I have been known to employ it from time to time, in a totally non-sarcastic fashion.
"Defense wins championships."
So does offense.
"Absolute power corrupts absolutely."
We have absolutely no reason to believe this. The most powerful people in the history of the world were not absolutely powerful. And even then, most of them were just as evil/not evil before they took power as after. Genghis Khan didn't start ravaging villages once he conquered over 2/3 of the world. He ravaged villages in order to conquer 2/3 of the world.
"All's fair in love and war."
No it isn't. The reason we go to war is almost entirely because we are attempting to seek just retribution for some horrible wrong done to us by someone we thought loved us. Now that I think about it, I should go invade Belgrade.
"Water under the bridge, over the dam, etc."
I actually like this one. For instance, once I make this post, if anything offends you, which it surely will, I will apologize, and then you'll say "Oh don't worry, it's water under the bridge..."
People are always telling me that.
~Right Thumb~
"All's well that ends well."
Horrendous. First of all, this is simply untrue. The Cold War ended well. This doesn't make me want to have another one (although, Left Thumb still thinks we are in one...) Second, if all parties agree that something ended well, why is there a need to superficially state that fact? And if parties are not all agreed, then... the pointlessness, amazingly, is enhanced.
"Better late then never."
Useless. Being late is very often not better than never. For instance, coming to the Beanie Baby craze late was okay... never finding it at all would have been preferable. Or, finding your pitching talent after you have already been traded from the Yankees is worse than never finding it. For the rest of your life you will regret your tardiness. For the rest of your life.
"You say tomato, I saw tomawto."
No you don't. NO ONE says tomawto.
"Time heals all wounds."
Almost useful. The only problem is...
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."
Leading to the first rule of cliches: you can always find another cliche that says the exact opposite thing.
"Cleanliness is next to godliness."
Excuse me, I need to have a chat with the Almighty. Let me grab my Jergens.
"The plural of anecdote isn't data."
This one is almost forgiveable. Even I have been known to employ it from time to time, in a totally non-sarcastic fashion.
"Defense wins championships."
So does offense.
"Absolute power corrupts absolutely."
We have absolutely no reason to believe this. The most powerful people in the history of the world were not absolutely powerful. And even then, most of them were just as evil/not evil before they took power as after. Genghis Khan didn't start ravaging villages once he conquered over 2/3 of the world. He ravaged villages in order to conquer 2/3 of the world.
"All's fair in love and war."
No it isn't. The reason we go to war is almost entirely because we are attempting to seek just retribution for some horrible wrong done to us by someone we thought loved us. Now that I think about it, I should go invade Belgrade.
"Water under the bridge, over the dam, etc."
I actually like this one. For instance, once I make this post, if anything offends you, which it surely will, I will apologize, and then you'll say "Oh don't worry, it's water under the bridge..."
People are always telling me that.
~Right Thumb~
Monday, October 12, 2009
The Gods Speak
Ah… this is what power feels like…
Okay, so this is the models’ turn to write (for non-faithful readers, check here to catch up on who the models are, and here to see why it is our turn to write.) We don’t get much of a chance to say things—for some reason as soon as people see us they just start blabbering about some fellow named Apollo—so we’re pretty excited to get our entire own post. We would have been more excited by money, but whatever.
So we thought we would give you our humble (we stress that word) thoughts on the literature of this web log’s creators. We’ll jump from post to post, picking representative samples of their thoughtfulness. Or lack thereof. We stress that we rarely disagree with what is said (particularly when they start talking about us). But they are still idiots. Here’s what we mean.
From The Supercilious Snicker and the Smug Smile:
"We here at Two Thumbs Sideways…"
They say this every time. What are these guys? Two owners of a Midwestern saloon?
"…are what you might call... elitists."
Hah. They wish they were!
"We feel bad about this. Really we do."
We bet they don’t.
"It isn't our fault we were born with such gargantuan brains."
Ah. Finally some humility!
"Blame our parents. Seriously. Blame them. We do."
Actually, here we must agree. Did their parents just take a vacation for the entire period of time when kids are supposed to develop self-awareness?
From Robber and Robbed: The Russians Are Coming:
"Most people don’t realize this, but it wasn’t the English-speaking world that first came up with the whole totalitarian, thought-suppressing, vaguely familiar and mildly repetitive dystopian book idea."
Most people also don’t realize that most of the salt in the ocean is Calcium Carbonate, not table salt. But they don’t seem to attach much importance to that…
"It was the Russkies."
The balance of the article will claim the U.S. is still waging a cold war against Russia. And yet Left Thumb is the one who just blamed them for inventing thought-suppressing dystopias. We don’t claim to be brilliant, so explain that one to us.
"Oh, we may smile and wave when a Russian bomber flies by. We might have redirected our nukes, we might be hobnobbing with their cosmonauts on the International Space Station, we might even invite Putin and Medvedev over for Iran-bashing and vodka—but beneath the pleasant handshakes and warm promises of continued cooperation, we have our collective, metaphorical fingers ever so defiantly crossed."
Actually, other than the ISS part… we do none of these things. Or at least, we personally cannot remember waving as a Russian bomber flew by. (What is it with Left Thumb and the Russians, anyway?)
From A Conversation with the Devil:
"In fact, do a Google search for Ayn Rand and you will be completely inundated by the inane."
We actually did this. Turns out, they were right. We were inundated by the inane!
From Robber and Robbed: Rubber Ducky Derivatives:
"But I'm not going to talk about that at any great length today. Frankly, encapsulating the sheer outrage (some might even say diabolical plot) that surrounds Oliver! winning the 1968 Academy Award for Best Picture would take the aid of Left Thumb. Not because I, Right Thumb, could not list the multifarious and multitudinous facets of this atrocity. No, Left Thumb and I are perfectly capable of doing that on our own. But neither of us could handle the psychological damage without the comfort of another human being who understands. So the Greatest Movie Atrocity of All Time will have to wait for a day when the Thumbs are united. Today the quarry is not quite so unspeakable."
We are seriously confused by what Right Thumb means when he says, “I’m not going to talk about that at any great length today.” Great length for him must be something like a 65 page research paper, and even then he might call that a brief intro to the topic at hand…
From Shameful Listing of Things:
"Sometimes, making a list of favorite films or books or rollercoasters is as opprobrious as allowing a pack of peasants and griffins to defeat your half dozen azure dragons. Other times it is only about as shameful as letting ancient BEE-moths defeat your azure dragons."
We doubt you have any clue what any of this means. This probably never occurs to the Thumbs. Ever.
From Counting Things:
"- Number of Isaac Asimov books that are worth reading: 10. Those being The End of Eternity, the three in the original Foundation trilogy, I, Robot, the first two in the Robot series, and the three in the Galactic Empire series. Go read them, they’re good. And I know good Books. Even if I don’t have a Ph. D."
God help the world if Left Thumb ever gets a Ph.D.
From the blog header:
"Between the two of us, we know everything."
They know everything…
…except how to pay their employees.
They know everything…
…except how to stop talking about Ayn Rand, Peter Jackson, and Battlestar Galactica over and over again. Because of course, heaven forbid, there might still be a few readers who aren’t sure about where they stand on Atlas Shrugged. We’d like to meet those readers and then enroll them in English language literacy courses. We also would like to enroll the Thumbs in finance courses, but—surprise!—they don’t have the funds to support such a venture.
From Movie Review: Into Great Silence:
"We expected a sort of visual meditation, a serene slice of art… but as it continued, the film degenerated into a celebration of racism, military supremacy, crassness, disrespect towards elders, and senseless propaganda."
When we were hired by Two Thumbs Sideways, we expected a blog of erudite musings, a sophisticated slice of commentary and criticism…but as our involvement continued, the blog degenerated into a celebration of…the Thumbs themselves.
Now, a word about that whole documentary fiasco—that was back when we still read each post thoroughly. (Now we just skim to get the gist and look for references to us.) And so, soon after we read that review, we went out and rented Into Great Silence and watched it. Perhaps we were feeling particularly depraved; perhaps we were simply curious—we watched it. And we didn’t see any disrespect towards elders. None at all. We’re not saying the Carthusians don’t hang an old guy out to dry every once in a while, but it’s not shown here. Yes, there was racism in the film. Yes, the charges of military supremacy, crassness and senseless propaganda are all well-founded—but no disrespect towards elders. None. Get it right, Thumbs. Here we are thinking these monks eat old people for brunch on camera, and there’s absolutely nothing of the sort. Shame on you.
From Counting Things:
"Hang in there, Right Thumb. In 2066 we’ll finally have someone to bring us the coffee."
Guess what? They don’t even drink coffee. Something about the effects of caffeine on over-sized brains. We're doubtful.
We spoke to Left Thumb soon after this post, and he clearly took special pleasure in the fact that 2066 is exactly 1000 years after William the Conqueror invaded England from his domain in Normandy. (Which, coincidentally, William’s Viking ancestors had been offered by France when they agreed to stop raiding French shores. Typical French. “Stop hurting us—we’ll give you half our land! Our chocolate and women, too!”) Now Left Thumb saw some significance in this, thinking that it meant that Two Thumbs Sideways was destined to become the cyber/neurological/telepathic equivalent of the British Empire or some other such nonsense. We tell you this so that if he starts to write in Old English (and, in characteristic fashion, doesn’t explain himself) you’ll have some inkling of a notion why.
But the truth is, there still won't be much hope for that.
[Apollo] + {Achilles}
Okay, so this is the models’ turn to write (for non-faithful readers, check here to catch up on who the models are, and here to see why it is our turn to write.) We don’t get much of a chance to say things—for some reason as soon as people see us they just start blabbering about some fellow named Apollo—so we’re pretty excited to get our entire own post. We would have been more excited by money, but whatever.
So we thought we would give you our humble (we stress that word) thoughts on the literature of this web log’s creators. We’ll jump from post to post, picking representative samples of their thoughtfulness. Or lack thereof. We stress that we rarely disagree with what is said (particularly when they start talking about us). But they are still idiots. Here’s what we mean.
From The Supercilious Snicker and the Smug Smile:
"We here at Two Thumbs Sideways…"
They say this every time. What are these guys? Two owners of a Midwestern saloon?
"…are what you might call... elitists."
Hah. They wish they were!
"We feel bad about this. Really we do."
We bet they don’t.
"It isn't our fault we were born with such gargantuan brains."
Ah. Finally some humility!
"Blame our parents. Seriously. Blame them. We do."
Actually, here we must agree. Did their parents just take a vacation for the entire period of time when kids are supposed to develop self-awareness?
From Robber and Robbed: The Russians Are Coming:
"Most people don’t realize this, but it wasn’t the English-speaking world that first came up with the whole totalitarian, thought-suppressing, vaguely familiar and mildly repetitive dystopian book idea."
Most people also don’t realize that most of the salt in the ocean is Calcium Carbonate, not table salt. But they don’t seem to attach much importance to that…
"It was the Russkies."
The balance of the article will claim the U.S. is still waging a cold war against Russia. And yet Left Thumb is the one who just blamed them for inventing thought-suppressing dystopias. We don’t claim to be brilliant, so explain that one to us.
"Oh, we may smile and wave when a Russian bomber flies by. We might have redirected our nukes, we might be hobnobbing with their cosmonauts on the International Space Station, we might even invite Putin and Medvedev over for Iran-bashing and vodka—but beneath the pleasant handshakes and warm promises of continued cooperation, we have our collective, metaphorical fingers ever so defiantly crossed."
Actually, other than the ISS part… we do none of these things. Or at least, we personally cannot remember waving as a Russian bomber flew by. (What is it with Left Thumb and the Russians, anyway?)
From A Conversation with the Devil:
"In fact, do a Google search for Ayn Rand and you will be completely inundated by the inane."
We actually did this. Turns out, they were right. We were inundated by the inane!
From Robber and Robbed: Rubber Ducky Derivatives:
"But I'm not going to talk about that at any great length today. Frankly, encapsulating the sheer outrage (some might even say diabolical plot) that surrounds Oliver! winning the 1968 Academy Award for Best Picture would take the aid of Left Thumb. Not because I, Right Thumb, could not list the multifarious and multitudinous facets of this atrocity. No, Left Thumb and I are perfectly capable of doing that on our own. But neither of us could handle the psychological damage without the comfort of another human being who understands. So the Greatest Movie Atrocity of All Time will have to wait for a day when the Thumbs are united. Today the quarry is not quite so unspeakable."
We are seriously confused by what Right Thumb means when he says, “I’m not going to talk about that at any great length today.” Great length for him must be something like a 65 page research paper, and even then he might call that a brief intro to the topic at hand…
From Shameful Listing of Things:
"Sometimes, making a list of favorite films or books or rollercoasters is as opprobrious as allowing a pack of peasants and griffins to defeat your half dozen azure dragons. Other times it is only about as shameful as letting ancient BEE-moths defeat your azure dragons."
We doubt you have any clue what any of this means. This probably never occurs to the Thumbs. Ever.
From Counting Things:
"- Number of Isaac Asimov books that are worth reading: 10. Those being The End of Eternity, the three in the original Foundation trilogy, I, Robot, the first two in the Robot series, and the three in the Galactic Empire series. Go read them, they’re good. And I know good Books. Even if I don’t have a Ph. D."
God help the world if Left Thumb ever gets a Ph.D.
From the blog header:
"Between the two of us, we know everything."
They know everything…
…except how to pay their employees.
They know everything…
…except how to stop talking about Ayn Rand, Peter Jackson, and Battlestar Galactica over and over again. Because of course, heaven forbid, there might still be a few readers who aren’t sure about where they stand on Atlas Shrugged. We’d like to meet those readers and then enroll them in English language literacy courses. We also would like to enroll the Thumbs in finance courses, but—surprise!—they don’t have the funds to support such a venture.
From Movie Review: Into Great Silence:
"We expected a sort of visual meditation, a serene slice of art… but as it continued, the film degenerated into a celebration of racism, military supremacy, crassness, disrespect towards elders, and senseless propaganda."
When we were hired by Two Thumbs Sideways, we expected a blog of erudite musings, a sophisticated slice of commentary and criticism…but as our involvement continued, the blog degenerated into a celebration of…the Thumbs themselves.
Now, a word about that whole documentary fiasco—that was back when we still read each post thoroughly. (Now we just skim to get the gist and look for references to us.) And so, soon after we read that review, we went out and rented Into Great Silence and watched it. Perhaps we were feeling particularly depraved; perhaps we were simply curious—we watched it. And we didn’t see any disrespect towards elders. None at all. We’re not saying the Carthusians don’t hang an old guy out to dry every once in a while, but it’s not shown here. Yes, there was racism in the film. Yes, the charges of military supremacy, crassness and senseless propaganda are all well-founded—but no disrespect towards elders. None. Get it right, Thumbs. Here we are thinking these monks eat old people for brunch on camera, and there’s absolutely nothing of the sort. Shame on you.
From Counting Things:
"Hang in there, Right Thumb. In 2066 we’ll finally have someone to bring us the coffee."
Guess what? They don’t even drink coffee. Something about the effects of caffeine on over-sized brains. We're doubtful.
We spoke to Left Thumb soon after this post, and he clearly took special pleasure in the fact that 2066 is exactly 1000 years after William the Conqueror invaded England from his domain in Normandy. (Which, coincidentally, William’s Viking ancestors had been offered by France when they agreed to stop raiding French shores. Typical French. “Stop hurting us—we’ll give you half our land! Our chocolate and women, too!”) Now Left Thumb saw some significance in this, thinking that it meant that Two Thumbs Sideways was destined to become the cyber/neurological/telepathic equivalent of the British Empire or some other such nonsense. We tell you this so that if he starts to write in Old English (and, in characteristic fashion, doesn’t explain himself) you’ll have some inkling of a notion why.
But the truth is, there still won't be much hope for that.
[Apollo] + {Achilles}
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Delayed
It turns out our models are tardy procrastinators with no sense of time. Their post--for which we do maintain high hopes--will be delayed until tomorrow.
Then again, if we had that hair, we doubt we'd care too much about the o'clock.
~Two Thumbs Sideways~
Then again, if we had that hair, we doubt we'd care too much about the o'clock.
~Two Thumbs Sideways~
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
A Coming Storm
It turns out that Two Thumbs Sideways is insolvent. Not because of the global mega-recession/deflationary depression. No, if anything, people have lost jobs and have nothing to do but read our blog. The reason we are insolvent has something to do with our blog making no money at all. We aren't sure how this happened. Our finance division said something about how just writing stuff and sticking it online doesn't make any money. This explains why the New York Times is hemmoraging money, but we must have gotten bad financial advice prior to creating this here web log because money was sort of the whole idea. So we blew that one.
This has created a problem, because our high priced models desire to be paid. (Of course they have a high price. LOOK AT THEM. They are more sparklingly stunning than the Hope Diamond, and that is a very expensive rock.) We can't pay them because we have no funds. So they demanded that they be allowed to write a post. We agreed, and so on Sunday, they shall have their own say. (What choice did we have? Besides, we find it difficult to say no to their seraphim-like beauty.) We have no idea what it will be about. That was one of their conditions. We were worried they would have something very, very stupid to say. But then we overheard them mentioning something about quoting our very own posts. So clearly they are on the right track to enlightenment.
So that is what is coming up. What is behind? Shame on you for asking such a lewd question, but we did leave a certain topic up in the air--namely, why and how Battlestar Galactica could possibly recieve a supercilious snicker. The Capes are why.
Until Next Week,
~Two Thumbs Sideways~
This has created a problem, because our high priced models desire to be paid. (Of course they have a high price. LOOK AT THEM. They are more sparklingly stunning than the Hope Diamond, and that is a very expensive rock.) We can't pay them because we have no funds. So they demanded that they be allowed to write a post. We agreed, and so on Sunday, they shall have their own say. (What choice did we have? Besides, we find it difficult to say no to their seraphim-like beauty.) We have no idea what it will be about. That was one of their conditions. We were worried they would have something very, very stupid to say. But then we overheard them mentioning something about quoting our very own posts. So clearly they are on the right track to enlightenment.
So that is what is coming up. What is behind? Shame on you for asking such a lewd question, but we did leave a certain topic up in the air--namely, why and how Battlestar Galactica could possibly recieve a supercilious snicker. The Capes are why.
Until Next Week,
~Two Thumbs Sideways~
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The Supercilious Snicker and the Smug Smile
We here at Two Thumbs Sideways are what you might call... elitists.* We feel bad about this. Really we do. It isn't our fault we were born with such gargantuan brains. Blame our parents. Seriously. Blame them. We do.
But every once in a while, something comes along which we do not at feel bad about Superciliously Snickering upon or Smugly Smiling upon. Here's a list of a few.
Italians: Smug Smile.
- Sorry, but Italians are the coolest immigrants. They talk the coolest, they start really cool illegal organizations, and without them we wouldn't have The Godfather. (And without The Godfather we wouldn't have American Graffiti, Star Wars, Apocalypse Now, and goodness knows how many other masterpieces.) Sure, the German rocket scientists who came over here post-WWII were pretty awesome, but they also cooperated in the deaths of millions before they came here. Not cool. And don't even get us started on the Irish. Sure, we like potatoes as much as the next guy, but the Irish landed in Boston, and Boston spawned the Red Sox. That alone is enough to taint their candidacy.
The Chronicles of Narnia Score: Supercilious Snicker.
- This was, admittedly, a bone thrown to Left Thumb to make up for Right Thumb's little joke a while ago. But all involved agree that this music is absolutely terrible. Just awful. It makes John Williams look like Mozart in comparison.
Modern "Science Fiction" novels: Supercilious Snicker.
- Asimov, Clark, Dick, etc. are so far superior to anything written today that we haven't really had new sci-fi material in thirty years. Even the good sci-fi movies of that period (Blade Runner, War of the Worlds, etc.) were based on material from past writers. The only exception that immediately comes to mind is A.I. Artificial Intelligence, and Stanley Kubrick was involved with that. Stanley makes up for just about anything. Speaking of which…
Stanley Kubrick: Smug Smile.
- This guy is unbelievable. He is better than other filmmakers. Period. Say otherwise and you reveal yourself as a cretinous simpleton.
Ingmar Bergman: Smug Smile.
- See note on Stanley Kubrick.
Battlestar Galactica: Smug Smile.
- Needs no explanation.
Agatha Christie: Supercilious Snicker.
- We know ahead of time that this will undoubtedly result in a storm of angry comments from our readers. We do hope that you are not so attached to this sentimentalist charlatan of a mystery writer that you cannot see through her cheap tricks. Christie’s novels are exactly the sort of material that Sherlock Holmes would never mentally imbibe for fear of clogging his mental pathways with unhelpful baggage. **
James Cameron’s animated films: Supercilious Snicker.
- We were unaware until recently that this titan of undeserved acclaim (Titan—get it? Get it?) was making a foray into cartoon-land. But then we saw the newly-unveiled trailer for Avatar. If Smurfs had nightmares, this is what they’d look like.
The Inheritance Cycle (formerly known as The Inheritance Trilogy): Supercilious Snicker.
- What’s the first thing you would expect a young, inexperienced, hopelessly juvenile, shamelessly derivative but wildly successful fantasy author to do? Well, naturally, write a conclusion to his three-part series that drags on so long that it must be broken up into two books, thereby ruining the faint bit of symmetry and cohesion that the sequence might have had. And oh yes, that faint bit of symmetry and cohesion only existed due to its blatant, unmistakable, thoroughly laughable retelling of the plot of Star Wars. Yes, occasionally we Thumbs just whisper “Inheritance” to each other, and then share a Colonel Tigh Chortle. ***
Battlestar Galactica: Supercilious Snicker.
- We suppose this deserves some explanation. But unlike Agatha Christie, we positively refuse to indulge the lowest passions of man by wrapping everything up nicely with a Grand Reveal—and so this will just have to wait until later.
~Two Thumbs Sideways~
* We have been called much worse.
** Emphatically not the upcoming Robert Downey Jr. abomination. He might read Agatha Christie. (He’d probably even listen to the Narnia score while reading it.)
*** Vaguely similar to the Grad Student Guffaw. Due to recent experiences, however, we Thumbs also look down upon said Guffaw.
But every once in a while, something comes along which we do not at feel bad about Superciliously Snickering upon or Smugly Smiling upon. Here's a list of a few.
Italians: Smug Smile.
- Sorry, but Italians are the coolest immigrants. They talk the coolest, they start really cool illegal organizations, and without them we wouldn't have The Godfather. (And without The Godfather we wouldn't have American Graffiti, Star Wars, Apocalypse Now, and goodness knows how many other masterpieces.) Sure, the German rocket scientists who came over here post-WWII were pretty awesome, but they also cooperated in the deaths of millions before they came here. Not cool. And don't even get us started on the Irish. Sure, we like potatoes as much as the next guy, but the Irish landed in Boston, and Boston spawned the Red Sox. That alone is enough to taint their candidacy.
The Chronicles of Narnia Score: Supercilious Snicker.
- This was, admittedly, a bone thrown to Left Thumb to make up for Right Thumb's little joke a while ago. But all involved agree that this music is absolutely terrible. Just awful. It makes John Williams look like Mozart in comparison.
Modern "Science Fiction" novels: Supercilious Snicker.
- Asimov, Clark, Dick, etc. are so far superior to anything written today that we haven't really had new sci-fi material in thirty years. Even the good sci-fi movies of that period (Blade Runner, War of the Worlds, etc.) were based on material from past writers. The only exception that immediately comes to mind is A.I. Artificial Intelligence, and Stanley Kubrick was involved with that. Stanley makes up for just about anything. Speaking of which…
Stanley Kubrick: Smug Smile.
- This guy is unbelievable. He is better than other filmmakers. Period. Say otherwise and you reveal yourself as a cretinous simpleton.
Ingmar Bergman: Smug Smile.
- See note on Stanley Kubrick.
Battlestar Galactica: Smug Smile.
- Needs no explanation.
Agatha Christie: Supercilious Snicker.
- We know ahead of time that this will undoubtedly result in a storm of angry comments from our readers. We do hope that you are not so attached to this sentimentalist charlatan of a mystery writer that you cannot see through her cheap tricks. Christie’s novels are exactly the sort of material that Sherlock Holmes would never mentally imbibe for fear of clogging his mental pathways with unhelpful baggage. **
James Cameron’s animated films: Supercilious Snicker.
- We were unaware until recently that this titan of undeserved acclaim (Titan—get it? Get it?) was making a foray into cartoon-land. But then we saw the newly-unveiled trailer for Avatar. If Smurfs had nightmares, this is what they’d look like.
The Inheritance Cycle (formerly known as The Inheritance Trilogy): Supercilious Snicker.
- What’s the first thing you would expect a young, inexperienced, hopelessly juvenile, shamelessly derivative but wildly successful fantasy author to do? Well, naturally, write a conclusion to his three-part series that drags on so long that it must be broken up into two books, thereby ruining the faint bit of symmetry and cohesion that the sequence might have had. And oh yes, that faint bit of symmetry and cohesion only existed due to its blatant, unmistakable, thoroughly laughable retelling of the plot of Star Wars. Yes, occasionally we Thumbs just whisper “Inheritance” to each other, and then share a Colonel Tigh Chortle. ***
Battlestar Galactica: Supercilious Snicker.
- We suppose this deserves some explanation. But unlike Agatha Christie, we positively refuse to indulge the lowest passions of man by wrapping everything up nicely with a Grand Reveal—and so this will just have to wait until later.
~Two Thumbs Sideways~
* We have been called much worse.
** Emphatically not the upcoming Robert Downey Jr. abomination. He might read Agatha Christie. (He’d probably even listen to the Narnia score while reading it.)
*** Vaguely similar to the Grad Student Guffaw. Due to recent experiences, however, we Thumbs also look down upon said Guffaw.
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