Robber and Robbed: The Russians Are Coming

The following post will not be humorous in the least. If you laugh at it, you are either glaringly ignorant or simply evil. I do not wish to alarm my readers, but I feel it is my duty to interrupt the typical Two Thumbs Sideways formula of witticisms, insights and banter to call a matter of pressing concern to your attention. I present it in Right Thumb’s format of Robber and Robbed because it is necessary to properly convey the facts.

Robbers: Brave New World, 1984, Anthem
Robbed: We

Most people don’t realize this, but it wasn’t the English-speaking world that first came up with the whole totalitarian, thought-suppressing, vaguely familiar and mildly repetitive dystopian book idea.

It was the Russkies.

Which is mildly ironic, because of all the nations on this here planet, the Russians are the only ones who have, in the past, kind of resembled a totalitarian, thought-suppressing dystopia. Nevertheless, in 1921, Yvegeny Zamyatin’s We first appeared. And it’s been appearing again ever since. See, in 1931 Aldous Huxley changed the proper names, mixed up the plot and called it Brave New World. Then in 1949 George Orwell changed Aldous’ proper names, mixed up his plot and called it 1984. And Ayn Rand didn’t even bother to mix up the plot with Anthem. (Apparently her naked soul isn’t so original after all. Or maybe she was too busy talking to those Mystics of Spirit™.)

Now which of these are required reading for impressionable, wildly hormonal teenagers everywhere*?

This just serves to demonstrate the unimpeachable validity of a theory I have long held: the Cold War never ended.

Oh, we may smile and wave when a Russian bomber flies by. We might have redirected our nukes, we might be hobnobbing with their cosmonauts on the International Space Station, we might even invite Putin and Medvedev over for Iran-bashing and vodka—but beneath the pleasant handshakes and warm promises of continued cooperation, we have our collective, metaphorical fingers ever so defiantly crossed.

Oh, we aren’t open about it. No threats, no direct infiltrations. It is much more insidious. It’s through culture and the arts. Instead of space races and nuclear fallout preparation, we do it through high school reading lists—and elsewhere. Haven’t you ever noticed that:

- Even in Star Trek of 2009, Chekov is still the lowest-ranking officer on the bridge. Shameful. I bet they’d make him brew the coffee if they didn’t have replicators. The nerve.
- Dickens has a whole shelf in Borders while Tolstoy has a sprinkling of copies. Ayn Rand also has her own shelf, complete with several editions of Anthem, while Zamyatin isn’t there at all.**
- It remains a proven technique in American film that, if one needs to make a character sound devious, they are immediately given a Russian accent, regardless of true nationality or plot circumstances.

This is just a sampling, I do assure you. I trust you will be on the lookout for similar signs now that you are aware. I also advise that you follow my lead and immediately stock up on batteries, bottled water, short-wave radios, Battlestar Galactica DVDs, canned food, the complete works of Plato, and warm clothing. Then dig a bomb-shelter at least ninety-feet deep in your backyard. (Or another suitable location. Graveyards and oil fields are not recommended.)

After all, you never know. Mr. Putin might visit a bookstore after his dinner-date here in America, and he might not like what he sees.

> Left Thumb <



* Meaning the United States, obviously.
** Leaving Emile Zola as the only “Z” author, which I find to be appalling.