Interview: As Regards Books

In celebration of the recent opening of this soon to be wildly popular web log, Two Thumbs Sideways wanted to give a broad overview of something Very Important. Like, you know, Books. We wanted to give you a broad overview of Books. We figured that maybe, just maybe, we should find someone to talk about Books. Someone who, unlike ourselves, has actual credibility. Someone like… A Ph. D. Student at Fordham University! Here is the transcript of the interview. (Yes, we forgot to videotape the bloody interview. You’ll find we forget that often.)

Right Thumb: Hello, and welcome to the inaugural—

Left Thumb: Not exactly inaugural.

RT: You didn’t even know what I was going to say.

LT: …

RT: Anyway, we’d like to thank our Ph. D. Student at Fordham University for joining us... for our inaugural interview with aforementioned Ph. D. Student at Fordham University.

LT: Yeah thank her so we can get on to the good stuff.

RT: Yes. So thanks.

LT: Yeah thanks.

Ph. D. Student at Fordham University: I appreciate the chance to converse with such big minds.

LT: She didn’t actually say that did she?

RT: You want to transcribe the whole interview, do you?

LT: No.

RT: Then we’ll be going with my recollection of events.

LT: Well hurry up. We’re half a page in and all you have mentioned is hello and thanks.

RT: Alright, let’s skip ahead.

(Here we skip a few pages about cats, dogs, rain that comes down like cats and dogs, Isaac Asimov, the language of Bantu, Peruvian-born Americans, Golden Toilet Seats, Ballplayers™, Bogie and Boba Fett).

RT: So what are your thoughts on 1984?

Ph. D. Student at Fordham University: It sucked.

LT: Interesting.

RT: Well put, Left Thumb.

LT: What are your thoughts on The Sound and The Fury?

Ph. D. Student at Fordham University: It sucked.

RT: Hmm.

LT: Grapes of Wrath?

Ph. D. Student at Fordham University: Sucked.

LT: Crime and Punishment?

Ph. D. Student at Fordham University: Sucked.

RT: Anna Karenina?

Ph. D. Student at Fordham University: Sucked.

LT: Brave New World?

Ph. D. Student at Fordham University: Sucked.

RT: Absolutely.

LT: Definitely.

RT: Slaughter-House five?

Ph. D. Student at Fordham University: Sucked.

LT: Catch-22?

Ph. D. Student at Fordham University: Sucked.

(Here, both thumbs muttered “interesting” before somberly writing something on their notepads. They did this at regular intervals throughout the interview. In all likelihood Right Thumb was writing down new adjectives to describe himself and Left Thumb was writing down his favorite ice cream flavors).

LT: How about Ulysses?

Ph. D. Student at Fordham University: Sucked.

RT: What about—

LT: —Heart of Darkness?

Ph. D. Student at Fordham University: Worst thing ever created.

RT: Whoa!

LT: Slow down there, Miss Know-It-All.

RT: Sitting in those ivory towers all day must have dulled your wits, because that is ridiculous. Absolutely inane.

LT: Completely inane.

RT: Many worse things have been created.

LT: Right you are.

RT: The da Vinci Code.

LT: Batman and Robin.

RT: Cat’s Cradle.

LT: Any book by Ayn Rand.

RT: Any movie by Peter Jackson.

LT: Spider-Man 3.

RT: Anything by Michael Bay.

LT: Twilight.

RT: Oooh, good one.

LT: Thank you.

RT: We could go on.

LT: And on.

RT: And on.

LT: For a really long time.

RT: Exceedingly lengthy period of time.

LT: We could go on for longer than Peter Jackson’s self indulgent fantasy cartoons go on.

RT: But we think you get the point.

LT: We would hope you get the point.

Ph. D. Student at Fordham University: Alright. I misspoke.

LT: *gasp!*

RT: Shock! Shock!

LT: Do Ph.D. Students at Fordham University do that?

RT: I thought we had gotten an expert! Not someone who regularly misspeaks!

LT: You thought wrong, apparently!

RT: Shock!

LT: Horror!

RT: Horror!

LT: Shock!

RT: This must end—

(Editors’ note: We apologize for the disappointing quality of this interview. We were under the impression that Ph. D. Students at Fordham University were sapient intellectuals much like ourselves, but as the above transcript clearly indicates, this sadly does not appear to be the case. Unfortunately, we do not have the resources or the connections to conduct another session with a more deserving interlocutor. If you would like to see better interviews in the future, you might be interested to hear that we welcome donations. Just be sure to put "Search for the True Academician" in the memo of any checks.)


~Two Thumbs Sideways~