A Conversation with the Devil

We here at Two Thumbs Sideways have been fielding questions via the comments as regards a certain Ayn Rand. (Speaking of which, we are aware that many more people read than comment. This is highly annoying. It takes two seconds to comment, and it need not be lengthy.) Anyway, people want to know who she is and why we detest her so. So we figured we could have a conversation with her to show why she deserves every bit of vitriol ever aimed in her direction. She is dead, of course, but we managed to find a few harebrained quotes. More than a few. In fact, do a Google search for Ayn Rand and you will be completely inundated by the inane. These are actual quotes of hers. Seriously. They are. You won’t believe us, but they are. There was indeed a person this stupid at one point in history.

Ayn Rand: Evil requires the sanction of the victim.

LT: Tell that to hurricane victims.

RT: Unassuming viewers of any Peter Jackson movie.

LT: Trappist monks.

Ayn Rand: I can say — not as a patriotic bromide, but with full knowledge of the necessary metaphysical, epistemological, ethical, political, and aesthetic roots — that the United States of America is the greatest, the noblest and, in its original founding principles, the only moral country in the history of the world.

LT: Hey look! Little Ayn just learned the meaning of the words “metaphysical,” “epistemological,” “ethical,” “political” and “aesthetic”!

RT: See, Sean Hannity once said this (minus the large words). Actually, he said it about a hundred times. But regardless, that’s a problem.

LT: A big one.

Ayn Rand: I am not primarily an advocate of capitalism, but of egoism; and I am not primarily an advocate of egoism, but of reason. If one recognizes the supremacy of reason and applies it consistently, all the rest follows.

RT: Using my reason, I question this premise as unfounded.

LT: Wait, what’s that? A deafening silence in response to our reasonable question?

Ayn Rand: The good, say the mystics of spirit, is God, a being whose only definition is that he is beyond man's power to conceive- a definition that invalidates man's consciousness and nullifies his concepts of existence. Man's mind, say the mystics of spirit, must be subordinated to the will of God. Man's standard of value, say the mystics of spirit, is the pleasure of God, whose standards are beyond man's power of comprehension and must be accepted on faith. The purpose of man's life is to become an abject zombie who serves a purpose he does not know, for reasons he is not to question.

LT: This quote just made me a Catholic.

RT: Ayn, you are an idiot. I’m just going to repeat that in case there was any question.

Ayn Rand: It is not advisable, James, to venture unsolicited opinions. You should spare yourself the embarrassing discovery of their exact value to your listener.

RT: It is not advisable, Ayn, to venture asinine opinions. You should spare yourself the embarrassing discovery of their raucous humor to your reader.

Ayn Rand: All work is an act of philosophy.

LT: The other day as I existentially folded the epistemological laundry, I realized that the conclusions I had reached based on my rational premises concerning the proper rolling of socks were logically flawed, and the moral ramifications therein were threatening to capitalism. Oh crap.

RT: Wait, hold on, my toast just got burned. DAMN YOU, SOCIALISM!

Ayn Rand: An artist reveals his naked soul in his work.

LT: We could have done without seeing your naked soul, Ayn.

RT: Wait, Ayn Rand thinks we have souls?!

Ayn Rand: I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.

RT: Thank God. Asking another man to live for your sake would have been worse than asking him to take up permanent residence in Sheol.

LT: Yeah, and any guy who you were trying to "live for" would probably end up in Sheol by the time you were through with him, Ayn.

Ayn Rand: Thanksgiving is a typically American holiday... The lavish meal is a symbol of the fact that abundant consumption is the result and reward of production.

RT: I was once denied mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving.

LT: The horror!

RT: I know. By Ayn’s calculus I should have shriveled up or something. Yet I still managed to give thanks on that seemingly deprived Thanksgiving.

Ayn Rand: If any civilization is to survive, it is the morality of altruism that men have to reject.

RT: Absolutely every civilization in history put this to the test.

LT: And none of them are here any more.

Ayn Rand: Every form of happiness is private. Our greatest moments are personal, self-motivated, not to be touched.

RT: Every happy moment I have ever had was had with and partially because of someone(s) else. Like for instance, this terrific blog is terrific because I do it with Left Thumb and it is read by others. If that weren’t true, I would not enjoy it at all.

LT: Well, I just enjoy it because we make fun of Ayn Rand, but yeah, your answer was good too.

Ayn Rand: Do you believe in God, Andrei? No. Neither do I. But that's a favorite question of mine. An upside-down question, you know. What do you mean? Well, if I asked people whether they believed in life, they'd never understand what I meant. It's a bad question. It can mean so much that it really means nothing. So I ask them if they believe in God. And if they say they do—then, I know they don't believe in life. Why? Because, you see, God—whatever anyone chooses to call God—is one's highest conception of the highest possible. And whoever places his highest conception above his own possibility thinks very little of himself and his life. It's a rare gift, you know, to feel reverence for your own life and to want the best, the greatest, the highest possible, here, now, for your very own.

RT: Do you believe in God, Left Thumb?

LT: Yes.

RT: Do you believe it is impossible to ever meet God?

LT: No.

RT: Well using my reason which Ayn loves so much, I have determined that you believe in both God and life. I guess she was a bit off there.

LT: You have to be patient with her. Her reason is not quite up to par with her highest conception of the highest possible.

Ayn Rand: Government "help" to business is just as disastrous as government persecution... the only way a government can be of service to national prosperity is by keeping its hands off.

RT: Hey you know that country of anarchists?

LT: What country of anarchists?

RT: Oh that’s right. There isn’t one!

Ayn Rand: Reason is not automatic. Those who deny it cannot be conquered by it. Do not count on them. Leave them alone.

LT: No, Ayn. We shall not leave you alone.

Ayn Rand: Money is the barometer of a society's virtue.

RT: Actually, money is a nominal measure which has very little to do with even a society’s economic value, much less its virtue. Real factors like production, labor demand and supply, natural resources, land, capital, etc. are much more important.

LT: Well, thanks for the economic geek speak, but technically, “virtue” means manliness, and why Ayn Rand cares about a country’s manliness is beyond me.

Ayn Rand: There are two sides to every issue: one side is right and the other is wrong, but the middle is always evil.

RT: The only time this applies is when one is referring to an opinion of Ayn Rand.

LT: If you think she’s a crackpot, you’re right.

RT: And if you think she isn’t, you’re wrong.

LT: And if you can’t make up your mind, you're eeevvvviiillll!

Ayn Rand: Wealth is the product of man's capacity to think.

LT: Hah! Finally, the reason that sports athletes are wealthy and professors are practically paupers is revealed!

RT: You read that backwards.

LT: I did? Oh. Yeah. Well I think that is an unavoidable byproduct of staring at Ayn Rand quotes for a half hour. It’s like sitting next to radioactive material, except it is mentally radioactive.

RT: Yeah. I’m fairly certain that I am stupider now than I was a little bit ago.

LT: Me, too. Let’s never do this again.

RT: Ever.

~Two Thumbs Sideways~