Counting Things

We Thumbs like counting things. Whether it be a running tally of fan letters we receive on behalf of our models, forming a list of transcendent/off-the-walls/absolutely breathtaking Battlestar Galactica episodes, or counting the number of Orlando Bloom’s birdbrain lines in the cinematic abominations that are Peter Jackson films—honestly, even I lose count on that last one—we like to do it.

And so I, Left Thumb, would like to share some of this numerical joy with you readers.

- Number of gag-worthy words in Atlas Shrugged: Approximately 650,000. In a remarkable coincidence, 650,000 happens to be the total word count of said book. Several bookstores have actually reported incidents involving regurgitated clam chowder in the “literature section”,* right around the letter “R”.

- Number of times Right Thumb has shrieked in ecstasy following a movie viewing: 7. Those seven happen to be Casino Royale, Barry Lyndon, Vertigo, The Insider, and three episodes of Battlestar Galactica.** It’s a sight to behold. After finishing each of these movies, he erupted into a number of high-pitched squeals of cinematic glee, accompanied by erratic pacing and strange, seemingly random motions of the arms. Observers have likened this behavior to the mating rituals of duck-billed platypuses, or the joyful antics of an intelligent high-school student who just discovered that Margaret Atwood was taken off the required reading list.

- Number of times I was present when Right Thumb shrieked his shriek: 3. Yes, not even half, sadly enough. Moreover, I have yet to see The Insider at all, although I do have it on hold at the library.***

- Number of times I can listen to Hey Jude without getting sick of it: 0.473. You feel the same way, whether you care to admit it or not.

- Number of pet duck-billed platypuses that I own: 0. It’s still a bone of contention with the powers that be. Protected species my left foot.

- Number of Isaac Asimov books that are worth reading: 10. Those being The End of Eternity, the three in the original Foundation trilogy, I, Robot, the first two in the Robot series, and the three in the Galactic Empire series. Go read them, they’re good. And I know good Books. Even if I don’t have a Ph. D.

- Number of Oscars that Titanic received: 11.

- Number of Oscars that Titanic should never have received in five million years, even under threat of nuclear attack, even if the only other film in the running was Babe: Pig in the City, even if a gunman hired by James Cameron stormed the Academy deliberations and said “You give Titanic awards, me no kill you!”: 11.

- Standard number of washbasins in a Trappist monastery: 6. Shameful. (According to their Carthusian neighbors, at least.)

- Number of heinous sins committed by the aforementioned Carthusians, captured forever and for all posterity on camera: Innumerable. Appalling. (Hypocrites.)

- Number of megabytes of information that a normal human brain can contain: 300. Yes, that’s right. Your USB flash drive is smarter than you.

- Number of megabytes Right Thumb’s brain can contain: ????. Estimates differ, but all agree that it is most certainly more than some scrawny USB flash drive.

-Number of megabytes contained in this post/document: .037. Meaning that I, Left Thumb, have successfully taken control of 1/8100 of your consciousness. At our current posting rate, this indicates that in approximately 57 years, Two Thumbs Sideways will have completely consumed the brains of its readers. It remains uncertain what exactly the consequences of this will be, but all analyses seem to predict that certain individuals who are particularly receptive will be neurologically compelled to do our every bidding.

Hang in there, Right Thumb. In 2066 we’ll finally have someone to bring us the coffee.

> Left Thumb <



* This label is even more ironic than a typical Two Thumbs Sideways post.

** Yes, Battlestar Galactica isn’t technically a film. But seeing as its direction, casting, acting, writing, production, special effects, art direction, costuming, lighting and cinematography are all better than any film out there, it most certainly belongs here in this case.

*** Yes, unbeknownst to the masses, libraries do stock good movies. Blockbuster executives (and, bafflingly, the federal government) do their utmost to keep this factoid under wraps.