Pictured: The coolest ship in the world. Does this post really need this picture? Of course not. But I will take any excuse to picture an aircraft carrier.
The coolest human beings of all time. I am not talking about Indiana Jones or Han Solo. They are fake. They might be incredibly cool, but they are artificial constructions, much like the Most Interesting Man in the World. If they were to be considered, surely they would be the coolest of the cool. But on this list, I refer to actual human beings. Human beings who are so cool that Indiana Jones and Han Solo and the Most Interesting Man in the World would be impressed. Human beings who are so cool that our honorable mention—that’s right, he doesn’t even make the list—is:
Michael Freaking Jordan. He is the honorable mention. The winningest, best, most famous, most “I don’t give a flying hoot what you think” athlete of all time doesn’t even make the list. He is merely honorably mentioned. Because while Mike was the incredibly cool, he is not as cool as…
Harrison Ford. The guy didn’t just play Indiana Jones, Han Solo, Richard Kimble. He also saves people in his personal helicopter. It’s one thing to play the coolest characters ever. But as I mentioned, that is just a fantasy. It turns out, Harrison’s key to pulling these characters off is that he practically is Indiana Jones. As this cracked article relates:
“Twice Ford has used his helicopter to come to the rescue of real-world hikers in distress, once by saving a woman on top of an Idaho mountain and once by joining a search and rescue mission for a 13-year-old Boy Scout lost in the woods. And out of all the people on the mission, Ford was the one who found the kid. In both cases, he volunteered his helicopter and piloting services free of charge, and also made himself available to the sheriff for future emergencies, undoubtedly prompting lonely middle-aged women all over the American Northwest to suddenly take up the sport of ill-planned hiking trips.”
He also led a relief operation to Haiti and personally flies special Olympics athletes to competitions. Yeah. He’s pretty cool.
Next up is:
William the Conqueror. You know he invaded England and basically began the march of the British Empire (granted, they only really got going 600 hundred years later, but the same could be said for Romulus and Rome).
You know the date 1066, when really, nothing happened in 1066 except for his being crowned in Westminster Abbey after a successful invasion of England.
You know that he was basically a bad bad man with a penchant for conquering things. But plenty of people have conquered stuff, you say; why was William different?
Napoleon conquered because of his Napoleon complex, Hitler conquered because he was a madman, Joan of Arc did it because of the voices in her head—but William did because someone called him a bad name. According to Wikipedia, William was originally known as “William the Bastard” due to his illegitimate birth.
So he needed to get people to stop calling him that ridiculous name, and in the process take out some righteous anger on the world. So he went and conquered a country and a half, just to change his name to “William the Conqueror” which is the coolest name you can have without living in the Star Wars universe.
William changed history just to get a cool name. Imagine what would have happened if someone from the Middle East had made fun of his hair? The Middle East wouldn’t even exist anymore, that’s what would have happened.
Up next:
Every. Astronaut. Ever. I mean… come on. This doesn’t need any explanation. But let’s put it this way: fighter pilots are as cool as they come, and astronauts are the best fighter pilots, AAAAAAAAAAAND as if that weren't enough, they go into space. Cool is to astronaut like rotund is to John Adams, fast is to Usain Bolt, or explosions are to Michael Bay. They define the word. The word defines them.
Up next:
Hannibal the Conqueror and Scipio. Hannibal is well known (and he seems to strengthen the theory that having a name which ends with “the Conqueror” is probably a good way to get on this list). He basically slapped around the Roman Empire for a decade, while being outmanned, outflanked, outsupplied and outpoliticked the entire time. He crossed the Alps with 200,000 men and war elephants. War elephants. It is tricky to FLY over the Alps, and Hannibal got elephants to walk over the Alps. Not just any elephants, either—war elephants were specifically trained to go beserk and run through columns of men at high speed. Somehow, Hannibal got these ten-ton ticking time bombs across the Alps.
Then, he beat a gigantic Roman army in an epic battle. Then, he did it again. Then, he did it again, and again, and again. All this despite that fact that Carthage, his home country, was refusing to send supplies and basically doing everything in their power to take the legs out from under him. Hannibal just won, won, won. And he did it against Rome. This is the Rome that, until it crumbled from within and succumbed to the barbarian hordes, never lost to anybody. Their Empire stretched from Spain and Britain to Mesopotamia and Egypt. They. Did. Not. Lose.
Except to Hannibal, who whooped their collective arse for 15 years.
That makes him cool.
Who was Scipio? Well, we all know Rome survivied the tornado of destruction that was Hannibal. How?
Scipio beat him.
But as cool as astronauts, Harrison Ford, and guys with names ending in “the Conqueror” are, there is one undisputed coolest guy ever. There is no one is his league, and no one particularly close to his league either, his name is:
Chuck Yeager. The simplest way of explaining why Chuck Yeager is as cool as they come is this. Astronauts are the coolest people on Earth, and their hero is Chuck Yeager. If William, Hannibal and Scipio were around today, they would all give up their conquering ways, morbidly depressed by the fact that, nay, they would never achieve the epic coolness of Chuck Yeager.
I recently attended a talk given by Alan Bean. Mr. Bean is one of only twelve men in the history of the universe to walk on the face of the Moon. Twelve. He is not only an astronaut, he is the cream of the astronaut crop. And when he mentioned Chuck Yeager, his eyes sparkled like a seven-year old, as if he couldn’t contain the admiration.
Anyone whose sheer coolness can strike an astronaut speechless is the epitome of cool. Chuck Yeager is the coolest man the world has ever known, and I defy you to suggest someone cooler. Even fake people can't approach Yeager. Indiana Jones wants to be Chuck Yeager when he grows up, but knows he never will.
~Right Thumb~
