Rollercoasters for Dummies

We here at Two Thumbs sideways have made two joint statements since we introduced you to this virtual abode. One discussed a film. The next concerned Books. What is left? Rollercoasters. For those of you who are not fortunate enough to have ridden nearly every important roller coaster in the United States of America, we decided to create an introductory pastiche of useful tidbits by comparing famous, awesome, important rollercoasters with other things from everyday life which the rollercoaster neophyte might better understand. In other words, here is a guide to four of the world’s most outstanding rides—for total rollercoaster dummies.

Millennium Force:

Huge, awe-inspiring and powerful, yet elegant, smooth and entirely enjoyable. The rollercoaster neophyte might not appreciate its every brilliant stroke, but no one could come off believing they had wasted their time.

Millennium Force Analogy for Dummies: 2001: A Space Odyssey.

The analogy is almost too perfect. The only reason I know it isn’t perfect is because I have seen perfection (just take a look at the photo of the Two Thumbs Sideways’ models again!) and it isn’t quite that. But excepting the glorious countenances of those madly gorgeous young men, this is as close to perfection as you can find. Both rollercoaster and film were even named regarding the turn of the millennium, which is a little too serendipitous. More serendipitous than Gary Sinise being Catholic (although granted, not as serendipitous as Gary Sinise being the spokesman for Epcot’s Mission Space). I almost expect to find Dave Bowman in the seat next to me when I ride Millennium Force. Heck, maybe he is and I don’t even know it. Being a super evolved being, maybe he can ride roller coasters while invisible. I mean, why else be super evolved if not to take in thrills such as Millennium Force? It sure isn’t for the platinum card.

Moving on: huge? Well, 2001 is brobdingnagian. It spans millions of years and roughly a half billion miles. I’m not sure if a movie has ever been bigger. Awe-inspiring is the first adjective one would use to describe 2001. Powerful, elegant, all of these things define Kubrick’s greatest endeavor. But possibly the most felicitous comparison is in their revolutionary nature. Both changed the direction of their craft forever, yet were never again matched (Millennium Force spawned several other 300+ feet rollercoasters, most of which forgot that the whole point of going really high is so that you can use that verticality to make a good ride. 2001 spawned a ton of movies in space, most of which forgot that space is a vacuum. That’s right. A vacuum). And, both film and rollercoaster spawned weird foreign cousins often compared to them but clearly not as profound, with 2001’s counterpart being the Russian Solyaris, and Millenium Force’s being the Japanese Steel Dragon 2000. Worth noting also is that these weird foreign cousins have terrible names. Awful names. Almost as bad as “Kingda Ka” names. Really putrid names. Just terrible names. Learn how to name things, people from Russia and Japan.

Alpengeist:

You’re at a park which everyone seems to love but after four days is grating on you like this. It has more hills than Pittsburgh and is thus tiring. It’s got rides only in the sense that not everything is a flower. The… “atmosphere”… is great. (Relying on an amusement park’s “atmosphere” is like picking an au pair based on her looks. She’s supposed to take care of your kid, not seduce your husband. What were you thinking?!)

But then afterwards you look back on this escapade fondly, and there is one reason why: Alpengeist. The most beautiful, majestic inverted rollercoaster you have ever ridden. You can’t exactly figure out why it so far outstrips the other inverted rollercoasters you have enjoyed. You can barely even figure out how it is different, for that matter. But how different it is.

Alpengeist Analogy for Dummies: Getting a Frosty Dairy Dessert from Wendy’s.

Wendy’s isn’t very good. But a Frosty Dairy Dessert? That makes the trip worth it. And how is a frosty different from other similar milkshake/ice cream concoctions? Who the heck knows. I doubt even Dave Bowman knows. But it is. It’s glorious. (Disclaimer: When referring to Frosty Dairy Desserts, the authors are referring to the one and only, the original, the real McCoy. They are most certainly not referring to any of those newfangled charlatans that pretend to be Frosties, yet have the audacity to blatantly flaunt their deception by not even being chocolate. We here at Two Thumbs Sideways are very bitter about this. Give us a moment.)

Kingda Ka:

Despite its hideously malformed moniker* and its status as little more than a gimmicky, gigantic, ridiculously fast rollercoaster, Kingda Ka is worth riding. Why? It is gigantic and ridiculously fast. It is a unique experience, if nothing else.

Kingda Ka Analogy for Dummies: Top Thrill Dragster.

Hmmm. Turns out Kingda Ka isn't a particularly unique experience. It does have shoulder straps though, so if you like to see your shoulders bleed, you should opt for the ugly green beast as opposed to the stylish hot rod that is Top Thrill Dragster.

Maverick:

No, not the 50s TV western with James Garner. No, not the 90s movie western with Mel Gibson based on the aforementioned 50s TV western with James Garner. And no, not John McCain.** What then, is this elusive Maverick?

It’s the one ride in the world that can actually live up to its unfortunate location: right next to Millennium Force. Maverick is red to Millennium Force’s blue. It is cleverness and unpredictability to Millennium Force’s raw power and, well, force.

Maverick Analogy for Dummies: Left Thumb.

Yes, the relationship of Maverick and Millennium Force is much like that of the Thumbs Themselves. Nary a digit could stand to be juxtaposed with the towering intellect of Right Thumb—his unapproachable powers of reasoning, his heightened sense of awareness regarding all things interesting, and his insight which sights so far in, even Quentin Tarantino’s madhouses of postmodern film-history horror are exposed for what they truly are. And yet Left Thumb succeeds in holding his own as the ultimate complement to Right Thumb’s brilliance, the dazzling yang to the dizzying yin. Where Left Thumb demonstrates an astonishingly quick mind, a quirky charm and a spicy sense of spontaneity, Maverick excels in sharp turns, a twisted layout and an overall continuity of unpredictability. Together, Millennium Force and Maverick are the great duo, embodying all that is excellent, all that is possible with rollercoasters—just as Right Thumb and Left Thumb together know absolutely everything, and represent all that is admirable about the human race.

~Two Thumbs Sideways~



* Two Thumbs Sideways does not endorse the usage of profanity, and so we were limited to this rather mediocre bit of alliteration. The rough draft of this post read “lazy-ass label”.

** And certainly not Sarah Palin.