The Gods Speak

Ah… this is what power feels like…

Okay, so this is the models’ turn to write (for non-faithful readers, check here to catch up on who the models are, and here to see why it is our turn to write.) We don’t get much of a chance to say things—for some reason as soon as people see us they just start blabbering about some fellow named Apollo—so we’re pretty excited to get our entire own post. We would have been more excited by money, but whatever.

So we thought we would give you our humble (we stress that word) thoughts on the literature of this web log’s creators. We’ll jump from post to post, picking representative samples of their thoughtfulness. Or lack thereof. We stress that we rarely disagree with what is said (particularly when they start talking about us). But they are still idiots. Here’s what we mean.


From The Supercilious Snicker and the Smug Smile:

"We here at Two Thumbs Sideways…"

They say this every time. What are these guys? Two owners of a Midwestern saloon?

"…are what you might call... elitists."

Hah. They wish they were!

"We feel bad about this. Really we do."

We bet they don’t.

"It isn't our fault we were born with such gargantuan brains."

Ah. Finally some humility!

"Blame our parents. Seriously. Blame them. We do."

Actually, here we must agree. Did their parents just take a vacation for the entire period of time when kids are supposed to develop self-awareness?

From Robber and Robbed: The Russians Are Coming:

"Most people don’t realize this, but it wasn’t the English-speaking world that first came up with the whole totalitarian, thought-suppressing, vaguely familiar and mildly repetitive dystopian book idea."

Most people also don’t realize that most of the salt in the ocean is Calcium Carbonate, not table salt. But they don’t seem to attach much importance to that…

"It was the Russkies."

The balance of the article will claim the U.S. is still waging a cold war against Russia. And yet Left Thumb is the one who just blamed them for inventing thought-suppressing dystopias. We don’t claim to be brilliant, so explain that one to us.

"Oh, we may smile and wave when a Russian bomber flies by. We might have redirected our nukes, we might be hobnobbing with their cosmonauts on the International Space Station, we might even invite Putin and Medvedev over for Iran-bashing and vodka—but beneath the pleasant handshakes and warm promises of continued cooperation, we have our collective, metaphorical fingers ever so defiantly crossed."

Actually, other than the ISS part… we do none of these things. Or at least, we personally cannot remember waving as a Russian bomber flew by. (What is it with Left Thumb and the Russians, anyway?)

From A Conversation with the Devil:

"In fact, do a Google search for Ayn Rand and you will be completely inundated by the inane."

We actually did this. Turns out, they were right. We were inundated by the inane!

From Robber and Robbed: Rubber Ducky Derivatives:

"But I'm not going to talk about that at any great length today. Frankly, encapsulating the sheer outrage (some might even say diabolical plot) that surrounds Oliver! winning the 1968 Academy Award for Best Picture would take the aid of Left Thumb. Not because I, Right Thumb, could not list the multifarious and multitudinous facets of this atrocity. No, Left Thumb and I are perfectly capable of doing that on our own. But neither of us could handle the psychological damage without the comfort of another human being who understands. So the Greatest Movie Atrocity of All Time will have to wait for a day when the Thumbs are united. Today the quarry is not quite so unspeakable."

We are seriously confused by what Right Thumb means when he says, “I’m not going to talk about that at any great length today.” Great length for him must be something like a 65 page research paper, and even then he might call that a brief intro to the topic at hand…

From Shameful Listing of Things:

"Sometimes, making a list of favorite films or books or rollercoasters is as opprobrious as allowing a pack of peasants and griffins to defeat your half dozen azure dragons. Other times it is only about as shameful as letting ancient BEE-moths defeat your azure dragons."

We doubt you have any clue what any of this means. This probably never occurs to the Thumbs. Ever.

From Counting Things:

"- Number of Isaac Asimov books that are worth reading: 10. Those being The End of Eternity, the three in the original Foundation trilogy, I, Robot, the first two in the Robot series, and the three in the Galactic Empire series. Go read them, they’re good. And I know good Books. Even if I don’t have a Ph. D."

God help the world if Left Thumb ever gets a Ph.D.

From the blog header:

"Between the two of us, we know everything."

They know everything…

…except how to pay their employees.

They know everything…

…except how to stop talking about Ayn Rand, Peter Jackson, and Battlestar Galactica over and over again. Because of course, heaven forbid, there might still be a few readers who aren’t sure about where they stand on Atlas Shrugged. We’d like to meet those readers and then enroll them in English language literacy courses. We also would like to enroll the Thumbs in finance courses, but—surprise!—they don’t have the funds to support such a venture.

From Movie Review: Into Great Silence:

"We expected a sort of visual meditation, a serene slice of art… but as it continued, the film degenerated into a celebration of racism, military supremacy, crassness, disrespect towards elders, and senseless propaganda."

When we were hired by Two Thumbs Sideways, we expected a blog of erudite musings, a sophisticated slice of commentary and criticism…but as our involvement continued, the blog degenerated into a celebration of…the Thumbs themselves.

Now, a word about that whole documentary fiasco—that was back when we still read each post thoroughly. (Now we just skim to get the gist and look for references to us.) And so, soon after we read that review, we went out and rented Into Great Silence and watched it. Perhaps we were feeling particularly depraved; perhaps we were simply curious—we watched it. And we didn’t see any disrespect towards elders. None at all. We’re not saying the Carthusians don’t hang an old guy out to dry every once in a while, but it’s not shown here. Yes, there was racism in the film. Yes, the charges of military supremacy, crassness and senseless propaganda are all well-founded—but no disrespect towards elders. None. Get it right, Thumbs. Here we are thinking these monks eat old people for brunch on camera, and there’s absolutely nothing of the sort. Shame on you.

From Counting Things:

"Hang in there, Right Thumb. In 2066 we’ll finally have someone to bring us the coffee."

Guess what? They don’t even drink coffee. Something about the effects of caffeine on over-sized brains. We're doubtful.

We spoke to Left Thumb soon after this post, and he clearly took special pleasure in the fact that 2066 is exactly 1000 years after William the Conqueror invaded England from his domain in Normandy. (Which, coincidentally, William’s Viking ancestors had been offered by France when they agreed to stop raiding French shores. Typical French. “Stop hurting us—we’ll give you half our land! Our chocolate and women, too!”) Now Left Thumb saw some significance in this, thinking that it meant that Two Thumbs Sideways was destined to become the cyber/neurological/telepathic equivalent of the British Empire or some other such nonsense. We tell you this so that if he starts to write in Old English (and, in characteristic fashion, doesn’t explain himself) you’ll have some inkling of a notion why.

But the truth is, there still won't be much hope for that.

[Apollo] + {Achilles}

Delayed

It turns out our models are tardy procrastinators with no sense of time. Their post--for which we do maintain high hopes--will be delayed until tomorrow.

Then again, if we had that hair, we doubt we'd care too much about the o'clock.

~Two Thumbs Sideways~

A Coming Storm

It turns out that Two Thumbs Sideways is insolvent. Not because of the global mega-recession/deflationary depression. No, if anything, people have lost jobs and have nothing to do but read our blog. The reason we are insolvent has something to do with our blog making no money at all. We aren't sure how this happened. Our finance division said something about how just writing stuff and sticking it online doesn't make any money. This explains why the New York Times is hemmoraging money, but we must have gotten bad financial advice prior to creating this here web log because money was sort of the whole idea. So we blew that one.

This has created a problem, because our high priced models desire to be paid. (Of course they have a high price. LOOK AT THEM. They are more sparklingly stunning than the Hope Diamond, and that is a very expensive rock.) We can't pay them because we have no funds. So they demanded that they be allowed to write a post. We agreed, and so on Sunday, they shall have their own say. (What choice did we have? Besides, we find it difficult to say no to their seraphim-like beauty.) We have no idea what it will be about. That was one of their conditions. We were worried they would have something very, very stupid to say. But then we overheard them mentioning something about quoting our very own posts. So clearly they are on the right track to enlightenment.

So that is what is coming up. What is behind? Shame on you for asking such a lewd question, but we did leave a certain topic up in the air--namely, why and how Battlestar Galactica could possibly recieve a supercilious snicker. The Capes are why.

Until Next Week,

~Two Thumbs Sideways~

The Supercilious Snicker and the Smug Smile

We here at Two Thumbs Sideways are what you might call... elitists.* We feel bad about this. Really we do. It isn't our fault we were born with such gargantuan brains. Blame our parents. Seriously. Blame them. We do.

But every once in a while, something comes along which we do not at feel bad about Superciliously Snickering upon or Smugly Smiling upon. Here's a list of a few.

Italians: Smug Smile.

- Sorry, but Italians are the coolest immigrants. They talk the coolest, they start really cool illegal organizations, and without them we wouldn't have The Godfather. (And without The Godfather we wouldn't have American Graffiti, Star Wars, Apocalypse Now, and goodness knows how many other masterpieces.) Sure, the German rocket scientists who came over here post-WWII were pretty awesome, but they also cooperated in the deaths of millions before they came here. Not cool. And don't even get us started on the Irish. Sure, we like potatoes as much as the next guy, but the Irish landed in Boston, and Boston spawned the Red Sox. That alone is enough to taint their candidacy.

The Chronicles of Narnia Score: Supercilious Snicker.

- This was, admittedly, a bone thrown to Left Thumb to make up for Right Thumb's little joke a while ago. But all involved agree that this music is absolutely terrible. Just awful. It makes John Williams look like Mozart in comparison.

Modern "Science Fiction" novels: Supercilious Snicker.

- Asimov, Clark, Dick, etc. are so far superior to anything written today that we haven't really had new sci-fi material in thirty years. Even the good sci-fi movies of that period (Blade Runner, War of the Worlds, etc.) were based on material from past writers. The only exception that immediately comes to mind is A.I. Artificial Intelligence, and Stanley Kubrick was involved with that. Stanley makes up for just about anything. Speaking of which…

Stanley Kubrick: Smug Smile.

- This guy is unbelievable. He is better than other filmmakers. Period. Say otherwise and you reveal yourself as a cretinous simpleton.

Ingmar Bergman: Smug Smile.

- See note on Stanley Kubrick.

Battlestar Galactica: Smug Smile.

- Needs no explanation.

Agatha Christie: Supercilious Snicker.

- We know ahead of time that this will undoubtedly result in a storm of angry comments from our readers. We do hope that you are not so attached to this sentimentalist charlatan of a mystery writer that you cannot see through her cheap tricks. Christie’s novels are exactly the sort of material that Sherlock Holmes would never mentally imbibe for fear of clogging his mental pathways with unhelpful baggage. **

James Cameron’s animated films: Supercilious Snicker.

- We were unaware until recently that this titan of undeserved acclaim (Titan—get it? Get it?) was making a foray into cartoon-land. But then we saw the newly-unveiled trailer for Avatar. If Smurfs had nightmares, this is what they’d look like.

The Inheritance Cycle (formerly known as The Inheritance Trilogy): Supercilious Snicker.

- What’s the first thing you would expect a young, inexperienced, hopelessly juvenile, shamelessly derivative but wildly successful fantasy author to do? Well, naturally, write a conclusion to his three-part series that drags on so long that it must be broken up into two books, thereby ruining the faint bit of symmetry and cohesion that the sequence might have had. And oh yes, that faint bit of symmetry and cohesion only existed due to its blatant, unmistakable, thoroughly laughable retelling of the plot of Star Wars. Yes, occasionally we Thumbs just whisper “Inheritance” to each other, and then share a Colonel Tigh Chortle. ***

Battlestar Galactica: Supercilious Snicker.

- We suppose this deserves some explanation. But unlike Agatha Christie, we positively refuse to indulge the lowest passions of man by wrapping everything up nicely with a Grand Reveal—and so this will just have to wait until later.

~Two Thumbs Sideways~


* We have been called much worse.

** Emphatically not the upcoming Robert Downey Jr. abomination. He might read Agatha Christie. (He’d probably even listen to the Narnia score while reading it.)

*** Vaguely similar to the Grad Student Guffaw. Due to recent experiences, however, we Thumbs also look down upon said Guffaw.

Robber and Robbed: The Russians Are Coming

The following post will not be humorous in the least. If you laugh at it, you are either glaringly ignorant or simply evil. I do not wish to alarm my readers, but I feel it is my duty to interrupt the typical Two Thumbs Sideways formula of witticisms, insights and banter to call a matter of pressing concern to your attention. I present it in Right Thumb’s format of Robber and Robbed because it is necessary to properly convey the facts.

Robbers: Brave New World, 1984, Anthem
Robbed: We

Most people don’t realize this, but it wasn’t the English-speaking world that first came up with the whole totalitarian, thought-suppressing, vaguely familiar and mildly repetitive dystopian book idea.

It was the Russkies.

Which is mildly ironic, because of all the nations on this here planet, the Russians are the only ones who have, in the past, kind of resembled a totalitarian, thought-suppressing dystopia. Nevertheless, in 1921, Yvegeny Zamyatin’s We first appeared. And it’s been appearing again ever since. See, in 1931 Aldous Huxley changed the proper names, mixed up the plot and called it Brave New World. Then in 1949 George Orwell changed Aldous’ proper names, mixed up his plot and called it 1984. And Ayn Rand didn’t even bother to mix up the plot with Anthem. (Apparently her naked soul isn’t so original after all. Or maybe she was too busy talking to those Mystics of Spirit™.)

Now which of these are required reading for impressionable, wildly hormonal teenagers everywhere*?

This just serves to demonstrate the unimpeachable validity of a theory I have long held: the Cold War never ended.

Oh, we may smile and wave when a Russian bomber flies by. We might have redirected our nukes, we might be hobnobbing with their cosmonauts on the International Space Station, we might even invite Putin and Medvedev over for Iran-bashing and vodka—but beneath the pleasant handshakes and warm promises of continued cooperation, we have our collective, metaphorical fingers ever so defiantly crossed.

Oh, we aren’t open about it. No threats, no direct infiltrations. It is much more insidious. It’s through culture and the arts. Instead of space races and nuclear fallout preparation, we do it through high school reading lists—and elsewhere. Haven’t you ever noticed that:

- Even in Star Trek of 2009, Chekov is still the lowest-ranking officer on the bridge. Shameful. I bet they’d make him brew the coffee if they didn’t have replicators. The nerve.
- Dickens has a whole shelf in Borders while Tolstoy has a sprinkling of copies. Ayn Rand also has her own shelf, complete with several editions of Anthem, while Zamyatin isn’t there at all.**
- It remains a proven technique in American film that, if one needs to make a character sound devious, they are immediately given a Russian accent, regardless of true nationality or plot circumstances.

This is just a sampling, I do assure you. I trust you will be on the lookout for similar signs now that you are aware. I also advise that you follow my lead and immediately stock up on batteries, bottled water, short-wave radios, Battlestar Galactica DVDs, canned food, the complete works of Plato, and warm clothing. Then dig a bomb-shelter at least ninety-feet deep in your backyard. (Or another suitable location. Graveyards and oil fields are not recommended.)

After all, you never know. Mr. Putin might visit a bookstore after his dinner-date here in America, and he might not like what he sees.

> Left Thumb <



* Meaning the United States, obviously.
** Leaving Emile Zola as the only “Z” author, which I find to be appalling.