|
Both Thumbs were far sadder than this as they exited the theater... |
The creation of each of my TTS posts up this point has been
an act of joy. This is not because I find
blogging especially rewarding. But I
write a post once or twice a year at this point, for an audience of a
half-dozen people. If I’m not enjoying
it, there is no point, so I write only when I will enjoy it.
I have not enjoyed writing about The Last Jedi. Watching the Disney machine incompetently grind
Star Wars into the dust is like watching a non-native speaker of a language
randomly spit out words they have heard, having no sense of what they
mean. And it is made all the worse
because, even though I should know better, I can’t help but get excited: Rian
Johnson. Star Wars. Luke.
There were numerous warning signs—the trailers, in particular, portended
ill—but there is always hope.
I considered linking to one of the numerous pieces laying
bare TLJ’s many flaws and signing off, but if this blog is anything, it is
reliable. (And by reliable, I mean that I sometimes post on a completely idiosyncratic schedule, and indeed have apparently locked myself out of my own account.) So here I am, once again writing way too much
about Star Wars. At first, I couldn’t
think of anything to write about, other than listing the myriad—and I mean myriad—flaws of this ridiculous
monstrosity. But then after a cathartic
hour-long psychotherapy session with Left Thumb—who saw the movie four days
after I did, i.e., he had four more days of innocence—I realized that I can do
what The Last Jedi did not do. I can
explain how it should have gone, and
why this movie so badly misunderstands Star Wars.
But obviously I need to lay out a few flaws, first, if only
for my sanity. And then I’ll explain why
Luke/Rey/Kylo was the most devastating failure, because it came close to
capturing the Star Wars magic but ended up wasting what should have been a
poignant, powerful story. That
adventure will naturally take us into what should
have happened. So this will be a
two-part extravaganza, with the word count limits lifted and occasional drop
ins from Left Thumb for comic relief.
And believe me, we need comic relief to get through even an abbreviated
listing of the errors in this pathetic regurgitation of a Once-Great Modern Myth.
I.
None of
This—None—Makes Any Sense.
This movie’s narrative absurdities
make Independence Day look downright documentarian. Let’s muse together.
1. From The Top
By the time the first sentence of the opening crawl was
past, I could have left the theater and known the movie was going to insult my
intelligence—and, for that matter, the intelligence of a rock sitting on a children’s
book. (Left Thumb notes that, although my hyperbolic meaning here is clear, it’s worth pointing
out that literacy rates among both igneous and metamorphic rocks have been
holding steady since the Paleazoic era--sedimentary rocks, however, have really
settled to the bottom. I would like to note that Left Thumb's jokes have settled to the bottom.)
In the opening
crawl we learn that the entire Republic has fallen to the First Order in… a day?
A week? That was pretty convenient, what
with our master storytellers needing the Republic to be gone so that we could
replace it with the First Order and a Resistance that oh-so-cleverly changed
their names since the 1980s. The writers
might have just as well started the opening crawl like this:
Episode IV
… and V
… and VI
… never happened.
I tried to come up with pithy, scathing remarks about just how stupid this whole thing is, but
I am too tired. They have worn me
down.* A movie that somehow tried to
shoehorn a “Resistance” into a universe that had the good guys in control of the galaxy was succeeded by a movie
that wants us to believe that the First Order magically replaced the Republic
in a matter of days. Never mind that the
last thing we saw was the “Resistance” blowing up the First Order’s massive
superweapon-home-base-retread. Never
mind that the galaxy has millions of star systems, and they didn’t all
disappear overnight. Never mind that the
Republic has had more time than the
Empire even existed to rescue the galaxy and bring in an era of supposed
peace. Nope. All gone in a matter of days.
Nor is this mere plot-hole nitpicking. It isn’t about “suspending disbelief” or any
such asinine, overused, needs-to-be-put-down phrase. If the only problem here were internal
inconsistency, that would be awful, but it wouldn’t leave me despondent. The problem is that Disney apparently
believes that the only moral value
(or at least, the only one that will sell) is the value of a plucky rebel. And the only bad guys worth having are a
knock-off of a knock-off of the freaking Nazis.
Disney seems to think that the Original Trilogy was some sort of
political tale about throwing off oppression.
So, to continue that theme, they had to manufacture oppression, so that
we could throw it off again!
You know what would have been cool? If the rebels were the bad guys. That would have been cool. And that is what the First Order was billed
as in TFA: a growing threat in the outer rim.
But now, the First Order rules the galaxy and the Resistance’s only
friends are in the outer rim?
Convenient.
2. But Let’s Get Back to the Continued
Degradation of Internal Consistency
Because my goodness is this movie dumb. In the first scene, each character tries to
one-up the stupidity of the character before them. Hux—we’ll get back to him—wants to blow up
the Resistance fleet, but instead of, you know, doing that, he engages in banter with Poe Dameron. I was confused because for a moment I thought
I had accidentally walked into a Marvel movie, with Robert Downey Dameron making
jokes at the expense of the venom-spitting villain-of-the-month. But then the First Order decides not even to
defend itself as a single X-wing blows up all of its guns—yep, all of ‘em. And then the Resistance uses its bombers in a
suicidal frontal assault on a giant dreadnought (this strategy is made all
the more inane when we realize that these are literally the Resistance’s last
ships). And then it turns out that a
single bomber can blow up a Star Destroyer with a single payload?
And of course, the entire time, you can bet that the only
intra-squad chatter we get is along the lines of “stay with me!” and “let ‘em
have it!” and “now or never!” In A New
Hope, Red Leader tells Wedge to “cut the chatter” when he makes a similarly
silly remark (His offending remark was “Look at the size of that thing!” for
those who don’t remember every word of the Original Trilogy off the top of their head). Here, tomfoolery and useless rhetoric is apparently
encouraged on official combat channels.**
But it gets better.
Next, the First Order tracks the Resistance fleet through hyperspace,
which is dumb, but whatever. It is the
kind of detail they easily could have fixed by blaming it on a homing device or
something. Far more galling is the
stupendously silly idea that the Resistance ships can move at sublight speed and stay far enough away
from the First Order fleet to survive.
Are you kidding me? I mean that
question seriously: was this meant to be a parody about how people will accept anything in a movie that involves
starships? This is a universe with faster than light travel, and the
Resistance ships are running away at sublight speeds. Think about that. Or don’t, which is clearly
what Disney was counting on.
But ooooooh it gets worse, because then we get a plan to
destroy the one tracking device on
the one Star Destroyer that has
it. Why does only one Star Destroyer
have a tracking device? I can see you’re
thinking about that, too, so kindly stop.
Why can’t we blow up the Star Destroyer that has it? Because then, uh, another Star Destroyer will start
doing it. At this point, even if you are
trying to think about it, I imagine
you are failing because there is just no way to put this insufferable insult of
a plot device into the form of a rational thought.
But we’re not done!
To destroy it, we need a codebreaker, and there is only one person who can do it. Because you see, despite taking place in a galaxy far far away, there are actually
fewer people there than in El Paso. To
get that codebreaker, let’s leave our ship—which is being chased—and jet on
over to a far away star system, and hope the First Order ignores us, because of
course they will, right? They’d have no
reason to be suspicious of one little ship! And I’m sure we’ll be able to find
that one guy on an entire planet within six hours. How hard could it be.
But eventually, all of this complicated chicanery is going
to be pointless, because…
3. Oh, We Didn’t Mention We Had the Ultimate
Weapon?
Children, do you remember the Death Star? It was special, because it could blow up
planets. Or, how about Star
Destroyers? They can blow up big
ships. Even starfighters are capable of
greatness, like when they take out the shield generators on capital ships.
But as it turns out, these are all mere baubles, because the
real power in this universe is a faster-than-light bomb. You see, you can strap a hyperdrive onto
something, point it in the direction of the thing you want to obliterate, and
you will obliterate it, because, duh, you just sent a bomb going faster-than-light straight
into the thing you want to obliterate.
So the Resistance decides to do that with a big capital ship.
Historians noted that this tactic was a startling innovation
in warfare that revolutionized space battles in the Galaxy Far Far Away. Factories began producing drones with small
hyperdrives so that every self-respecting fleet now has an armory of
planet-destroying hyperspeed superweapons at its disposal. There is no need for proton torpedoes or
blasters or bombs anymore. Nor was there
ever, it turns out, but every soldier in the GFFA was a dunce until Laura Dern
got the bright idea to just ram her ship into the enemy real fast. Purple hair works wonders for the brain,
historians speculate.
But can it protect you from turning into Mary Poppins? Because…
4. Leia Is Vacuum-Proof Mary Poppins Now
I don’t have much to say about this. It was cartoonish and ridiculous. Plenty of ways to have Leia show her resolve
and strength while daringly surviving an attack on the bridge. They went with supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.***
*Left Thumb was more than happy to assist by providing said pithy, scathing remarks, and he prepared an entire list of gems (or so he tells me). He says that a freak computer glitch resulted in the loss of 53 pithy, scathing remarks, mostly centered around comparisons between Wookiees and "yo mama." These pithy, scathing remarks were apparently his finest work ever, but Left Thumb was too discouraged to recapture that bottled lightning.
**Left Thumb notes that everyone knows that the second rule of
any effective empire is: “In battle, let there be no Tomfoolery on the bridge
and no Shenanigans in the engine room.” The first rule, of course, is: “Make sure no
one can get rich except by selling you weapons.” That one will make more sense in a bit.
***Left Thumb notes that in a
deleted scene at the end of the movie, Leia assuages our fears that the rebel
movement has been reduced to about a dozen people by pulling the rest of the
Resistance out of her handbag.
II.
This
Universe Looks Suspiciously Small
Star Wars has always depended on its groundedness. Before people start throwing shoes at me, I
don’t mean that Star Wars is believable in the history-book sense of the
term. But one of its main selling
points, the thing that immediately
differentiated Star Wars from other, crappy space fantasies, was that the galaxy
always came across as a lived-in place that was real to these characters.
Obviously I can’t go visit Tatooine, but it never felt like
Luke and Obi-Wan didn’t believe that Tatooine existed. There were broken speeders, banal poverty,
scumbags and saints, lots of people in between, all the little details of an
economy that doesn’t exist solely to fuel the central conflict in the movie we
happen to be watching. The Empire had
troopers on Tatooine, but it was distant enough from the core concern of the
Empire that it didn’t have utter dominion over the place—there were Hutts with
great, illegal power, there were cantinas that didn’t have a domineering police
presence, there were doors the stormtroopers couldn’t unlock.
In the well-tread paradox of storytelling, it is the little,
throwaway details that make a fictional world seem large and inhabited. Luke offers to take Obi-Wan to Anchorhead
because it isn’t as far as Mos Eisley and he wants to get home to do his
chores. The bartender says no droids in
his cantina because—well, who the heck knows why, but it wasn’t because he was secretly an imperial spy or some such
nonsense. Two stormtroopers on the Death
Star make freaking small talk while Obi-Wan deactivates the tractor beam.
By contrast, everyone and everything in The Last Jedi is
directly related to the ongoing conflict; there is nothing in this universe except for the story. I won’t go through
the whole list of offenders, but the most obvious example is when Rose—we’ll get back to
her, too—waxes poetic about income inequality on the casino planet. Setting aside the D-plot moralizing that
would be beneath a bad West Wing episode, her theory is that all these rich
people are bad because they must have made their money selling weapons to the
First Order. Must have. Every single damn one of ‘em.
Never mind that there are millions of planets in this galaxy
and presumably billions of ways to legitimately make money. Never mind that the First Order hasn’t even
been around for long, so all these people must be newly-minted
millionaires. Never mind the question of
how exactly the First Order is paying for all of these weapons if the only
economic activity in the galaxy consists of selling weapons to the First
Order. Never mind that there must be
money to be made selling vices outside of the First Order. Nope.
It’s all First Order, all the time.
They have infomercials and everything.
“Do you want to make money? Of course you do! And you know how to do
it! Sell us weapons! We can guarantee good prices and we also guarantee that there is literally no other way to make
money! But wait, there’s more!” [Left
Thumb note: these infomercials feature none other than the incomparable Admiral
Billy Mays.]
Just as frustrating, The Last Jedi continues in the JJ
Abrams style of storytelling, which is to say: no catching of the breath, no
time to ponder, no sense of gravitas.
Every time you see a big ship, someone will blow it up, and they’ll
replace it with a bigger one. See a big
explosion? We’ll come up with an art
portrait for the next one, as the blast crackles throughout an entire
fleet. Did a main character just die? Onto the next scene! There is no weight to anything. Left Thumb thinks this is particularly
pathetic because even illiterate sedimentary rocks understand gravity.
Where are the little details? Where are the dejarik games on
the Falcon while our heroes endure a boring, lengthy trip in hyperspace? Where is the build up for the Super Star
Destroyer? Where is the small talk about speeders going out of style? This galling lack of
atmosphere, mise-en-scene, scale, or any sense that there is actually a galaxy full of people to protect, makes the whole movie pointless.
III.
And
Yet, We’ve Seen This Before!
Though it fails to capture any of the detail of the Original Trilogy, The
Last Jedi follows in The Force Awakens’ footsteps by cramming the exact same
plot details together under new names.
But The Last Jedi is more ambitious. Where
JJ Abrams’ brainchild squished A New Hope into his movie, Rian Johnson smashed
Empire and Return of the Jedi into
his movie. It would be funny if it were
intentional.
1. Let’s Start With An Evacuation
You know how The Empire Strikes Back began? I’ll give you a hint: it involved the Rebel
Alliance evacuating from a secluded planet as the Imperial fleet tries to snuff
them out of existence. So how did the
Last Jedi begin… hmmm… surely they wouldn’t be that obvious. I mean, they
wouldn’t just recycle that entire idea. Well, I guess that at the very least, they
wouldn’t just repeat the same Imperial Walkers-style assault on a fortified
Rebel position, right? Oh, they waited
until later in the movie for that? How considerate
of them.
2. Dagobah, but Prettier
Crusty old Jedi master smarting over his failures that led
to the downfall of civilization?
Check. Naïve, wide-eyed
Force-neophyte? Check. Appearance of another Jedi master in ghost
form to help the crusty old corporeal Jedi realize he needs to let up on the
youngster? Check. But they did some things very differently,
like for instance, instead of having a crazy dream sequence in a cave like Luke
did, Rey has a crazy dream sequence in a sinkhole. Mind. Blown.
3. Bad Guy Kills Badder Guy At Insistence of
Good Guy
The Snoke throne room scene is not bordering on parody, it is parody. Vader—I mean Kylo—brings a shackled Luke—I
mean Rey—into Palpatine’s throne room—err, Snoke’s throne room—in the hopes of
converting her to the dark side, but then she convinces him to kill Snoke. But it isn’t a total repeat because
afterwards they kill some red guards real good. (And these guards fight with
not-lightsabers that can nevertheless repel lightsabers? Why? Non-lightsabers that repel lightsabers were a
dumb idea in Revenge of the Sith, an even dumber idea in The Force Awakens, and
it reaches its dumb zenith in The Last Jedi.)
4. The Emperor, Sort of.
Snoke is not exactly TLJ’s fault, because he came out of The
Force Awakens. But TLJ could have
rescued him. Rather than make him a
crappy faxed image of the Emperor, they could have made him a tiny little
trickster, or a man behind a curtain, or… anything. Instead, we got a crappy faxed image of the
Emperor.
5. A Walker Assault
Oh. There it is. For a second I thought they forgot it!
Here is Left Thumb’s take on the new walker scene: It’s like the writers were in
a room together and said, “Let’s do Hoth, but with SALT instead of SNOW. Yeah, that’s right, we can have trailers
where the gravelly-voiced narrator intones: Hoth, but this time, the ground bleeds!”
IV.
These.
Characters. Suck.
A lot. The new ones
are useless and the old ones are misused. To the list!
General Hux, aka
General Evil Man: Returning to the
smallness of the Disney Star Wars universe, Hux is everything wrong with these
movies. He’s a General Grievous-level caricature. He has no defining characteristics except
laughably incompetent evilness. And
don’t try to tell me they couldn’t do better.
Grand Moff Tarkin, Admiral Ozzel, Admiral Piett, Captain Needa, Moff
Jerrjerrod—each of these OT Imperial officers has significantly less screen
time, fewer lines, and mountains more personality than Hux. They are sometimes arrogant, sometimes
incompetent, sometimes afraid, and Admiral Piett is always smooth as a baby’s bottom—in other words, they are not
broken records of hortatory evil. Hux,
conversely, is.
Rose, aka Space
Millennial: Rose is somehow whiny,
annoying, emotionally disastrous, and
forgettable. [Props to Pere Etienne for
pointing out to me that this makes her a Space Millennial.] Her most memorable lines are memorable for
their enduring wrongness. Putting aside her
limited understanding of economics, she “saves” Finn from heroically
sacrificing himself to save the Resistance—we’ll get back to that—and then
justifies her actions on the basis that the Resistance will not win by destroying evil but by saving
those they love.
Oh man.
Where to
start.
Let’s set aside that this is
basically the entire lesson of the prequels and Original Trilogy.
As I have
painstakingly explained before, the
prequels showcase the great flaw of the Jedi, which was believing that they
could defeat the Sith via warfare, that is, by suppressing or destroying evil
wherever they found it.
The Original Trilogy was about
atoning for that mistake, most obviously through Luke’s maturation and
sacrifice.
Luke
could have killed Vader but didn’t—instead, he gave himself
up for his father and friends. That sacrifice brought down the Empire by
redeeming, rather than destroying, Anakin Skywalker.
So having Rose state this as if she
discovered something new is basically an insult to the saga.
But more important than that: Finn
was trying to save those he loved!
He was trying to destroy the big-ass gun that was going to tear down the
wall protecting the entire Resistance.
He was giving himself up for the greater good. And Rose kept
him from doing that. Millennials are
the worst.
But even beyond that, the idea that we should work to build
upon the Good rather than hunt down Evil is fine as a general moral principle,
but it isn’t a freaking battle tactic. Rose “saves” Finn only for him to face
certain death along with everyone else because, duh, Rose kept Finn from saving
everyone else. If not for Force-skype
Luke and a deus ex machina secret path out the back of the mountain, they all
would have died, thanks to Rose’s characteristically millennial selfishness.
Finn, aka Why am I
here again?: Rose’s actions were
also a narrative catastrophe, because Finn needed to die. It is abundantly clear that over the course
of two movies, the writers have nothing for him to do. His every appearance in this movie was
superfluous. The only memorable line he
had was “Let’s go, chrome dome,” which joins the ranks of Hayden Christiansen’s
attempts at flirtation as dialogue that haunts your nightmares. Finn isn’t even a suitor for Rey anymore
because Rey has a better one, i.e., Kylo.
If Finn had died, the stakes would have been raised, a dreadfully
useless character would be gone, and I don’t have a third thing to say so I’ll
just emphasize those first two.
Poe Dameron aka
Robert Downey Dameron: It was widely
reported after the financial success of The Force Awakens that Disney ordered
rewrites of The Last Jedi to involve more Poe, whom fans apparently liked. As I watched the movie, I could practically
see the rewrites on screen. All the Poe
in the movie is tacked-on, pointless, nonsense that slows the movie to a crawl.
Why would anyone care about his squabble
with an admiral we’ve never met before?
To be sure, taking time away from those ridiculous casino scenes was a
worthy goal, but maybe just get rid of both, hmm? Not to mention that the entire contrived
mutiny could have been avoided if the purple-headed admiral had told Poe to
take a Chill Pill™ because she had a plan to land on a nearby planet.
Admiral Holdo aka Not
Admiral Ackbar, Not Even Close:
Speaking of Laura Dern, her character is about as stiff and unnecessary
as the rest of them, but can we talk about her “plan” for a second?
She is in the midst of a low-speed,
Seventh-Heaven-style chase,
apparently in a solar system with a former rebel base.
She is going to fly by that base and send
everyone to its surface, in plain view of the giant-ass fleet following her.
And her plan was… maybe they won’t care?
You know, they’ll see all these freighters
headed away but why bother with those, I’m sure those are just decoys, and it
isn’t like our giant-ass fleet has more than enough ships to
both follow the big ship
and all the little ships.
Phasma aka Chrome
Dome aka Oh I’m Dead Now: Phasma was
a character, and she died.
That’s all I’ve got here.
Left Thumb points out
that she dies in a pit of fire, because that is how bad guys die, even the
silly ones who have almost no screen time.
Benicio del Toro aka
Benicio del Toro: I guess Benicio del Toro wanted to be in a Star Wars
movie and no one had the heart to turn him down?
General Leia aka
Carrie Fisher Deserves Better:
Outside of flying through the vacuum of space and then being in a coma most of the
movie, Leia got very little to do.
And
we know she won’t be in the next movie, so it’s quite a shame.
Her goodbye with Luke should have been
poignant, and Carrie Fisher exudes gravitas, but she’s surrounded by such
incompetent rubes that you long for the days of General Riekaan and General
Dodonna—or even
General Ripper.
Yoda aka Ghost
Arsonist: They somehow managed to
make ghost Yoda look fake, which is weird, because ghosts should look
fake, but not like this. Also, Yoda should not be in this
movie. Also, he should not be burning
down trees. Did no one actually watch
this scene before the movie went out the door? Left Thumb notes that this is another scene
made pointless by a subsequent revelation that Rey plucked the books at some
point anyway. Seems to be a pattern: have an unnecessary but overly dramatic
scene featuring some grand gesture—invariably involving fire—but then undermine
the alleged point later on. I’d say lather, rinse, repeat, but this is more
like ignite, burn, pretend it never happened, ignite, burn, pretend it never
happened…
Snoke, aka [Insert Emperor Stand-in Here]: It
boggles my mind that the Disney brain trust came up with Snoke. I say “came up with” in the loose sense of
the term because there is nothing to come up with. It is as if they had a script where they were
meaning to create a villain but forgot to do it. This
pathetic piece of leftover Lord of the Rings makeup seduced Ben Solo? In addition to coming out of nowhere and
disappearing into nowhere just as fast, Snoke is an idiot. Grade-A moron. Total nincompoop. Kylo should have offed him years ago. As Left Thumb put it, “Snoke is like a
dried-up prune, and yes I know that prunes are already dried so you do the
math.”
Not that you need it, but let’s review why Emperor Palpatine
was a successful evil archetype. The key
point is that he was a powerful, thoughtful character who could see seven steps
ahead on the chessboard—and is demonstrated doing so multiple times. When he finally dies, it isn’t because he is
dumb or because he needs to explain his villainous plan to Agent 007, it’s
because he is deeply morally flawed. Palpatine
didn't guess that Vader would turn on him because he was so self-absorbed that
he could not imagine anyone acting that way.
Palpatine was a master hunter of human weakness, and he was nearly
always successful, because humans are so deeply flawed. That Luke’s act of
love could have any effect on Vader was beyond his comprehension. Palpatine quite rightly calls
Luke a “fool.” By Palpatine’s
calculation—that is, the materialistic, hedonistic calculation of self-first—Luke was a fool.
Snoke, however, did not die because of any such moral
flaw. He died because apparently he
doesn’t hear the scratching sound a lightsaber hilt makes as it rotates on your
fancy throne.
V. Epilogue
I have been waiting for a genuine, new continuation of the Star
Wars mythos since I was four years old.
It is quite clear now that it is never coming. We got prequels that were relatively strong
in story ideas but incompetent in execution, and now we have sequels that are so
outlandishly unimaginative that their main idea has been: let’s do the Original Trilogy again… but in two movies instead of three!
Even the prequels, though rarely very good, were still usually Star
Wars. Disney hasn’t even managed that. The Last Jedi^^ is a cheap repeat of the
Original Trilogy that doesn't even understand the movies it is knocking
off.
^^Left Thumb was very disappointed in the title of this movie. He notes that middle-of-trilogy-titles have four words, not three, and they have action verbs like “Attack” and “Strikes.” This movie doesn’t deserve a title like The Last Jedi. Left Thumb suggests the following possibilities:
Star Wars: Agents of Shield
Star Wars: Chewbacca Goes Vegetarian and the Rest Doesn’t Really Matter
Star Wars: A Postmodern Mashup Fantasy
Star Wars: Pretty Soon These Will be Straight-to-DVD
Star Wars: You May Be Better Off with the Holiday Special
Star Wars: Snoke Jokes and Poe Pranks
Star Wars: It Turns Out Luke Is Lactose Intolerant
Star Wars: Master Pikachu, My New Name Is
$tar War$: Casino Royale
Star Wars: The Resistance Moves to a Smaller Apartment to Save on Rent
* * *
But wait, you say.
What about Luke? Rey? Kylo?
You barely mentioned them, and they were the best part!
Part II is coming, wherein I explain the enormous missed
opportunities and the devastation of Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight.
[Editor's note: Right Thumb may or may not have lost the credentials for his account, so all future posts will likely be "posted" by Left Thumb, even though written by Right Thumb.]