I am nonplussed. Now, despite Left Thumb's arguments that this could very easily mean I am also non-subtracted and hence neutral, this is not the fashion in which you, the reader, should comprehend my statement of dissatisfaction. What has me so perturbed? Well, Stephanie Meyers, obviously, but beyond her attempts to return literature to the stone age (although, this might be an insult to rocks), numbers bother me. On the West Wing, Josh Lyman once said "Numbers don't lie." Joey Lucas astutely responded. "Of course they do. They lie all the time."
So let's get to it. Some are purveyors of the truth, others are dastardly (like 156. watch out for 156). But either way, they (or their being ignored by people) annoy me. Actually, they enrage me. Right Thumb is enraged.
156. Let's face it. This number lies all the time. You know it does. I know it does. Let's just get rid of it. Who is up for going from 155-157?
12,000,000,000,000: This is how much money we owe people. Needless to say, I am not a big fan of gargantuan numbers which represent money I owe to other people unless there is a cute little "-" before the number begins. Of course, there isn't.
Something like a gazillion: The number of pages in the Senate and House healthcare bills. Easy reading.
3.1: Nuclear power plants, over the long haul, can produce electricity at a relative costs of 2.1-3.1 cents per kilowatt. Coal plants, from 3.7-6.0 cents per kilowatt. So, why are we not making nuclear power plants? I HAVE NO FREAKING CLUE SO EXPLAIN IT TO ME. Granted, the startup costs for a nuclear plant are a much higher percentage of those total long run costs (estimated to be about 50% of the total cost compared with 15% for a coal fired plant's start up costs) but with today's interest rates, who cares?! And these aren't numbers spewed out by some Nuclear Researcher who needs a job. They come from two international organizations, one within the OECD (the Nuclear Energy Agency) as well as the IEA (International Energy Agency). The end is nigh, not because of Mayan calendars ending, but for the same reason the end is always nigh. People. Are. St00pid.
0.0: The effective interest rate in our country right now. Seriously. Look at that number. Somebody tell me this could possibly be a good thing. SOMEONE TELL ME THAT.
*looks around*
No one? Yeah, thought so.
Approaching 70%: The divorce rate in our country. Let's keep advertising contraception on TV though, because clearly it is working.
Some positive number: The amount of money our Treasury Secretary did not pay to the government that he was legally obligated to pay.
3rd: The arguments regarding a "2nd" stimulus bill are really about a third. Bush passed a stimulus bill. We just didn't call it that. But it cost 800 billion dollars and was, for all intents and purposes, a stimulus bill.
6: The number of years you were expected to be dead for by the time you got a single social security check back when social security was invented.
20: The number of years life expectancy has increased since social security was invented.
14: The difference between those two numbers.
8: The number of years since the Twin Towers got knocked over by a bunch of evil thugs.
0: The number of large buildings we have built where the Twin Towers used to be. I'd say shameful, but this is just the way we operate now. When was the last great public works project this country undertook? The transcontinental railroad? We might as well hold up a sign: knock our buildings down... we'll talk about our resiliency a lot, maybe even invade some countries we picked out of a hat, but we won't actually fix anything!
Let's end on a happier note:
25: Days until Christmas. Have a wonderful season.
~Right Thumb~
Showing posts with label Counting Things. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Counting Things. Show all posts
Monday, November 30, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Counting Things
We Thumbs like counting things. Whether it be a running tally of fan letters we receive on behalf of our models, forming a list of transcendent/off-the-walls/absolutely breathtaking Battlestar Galactica episodes, or counting the number of Orlando Bloom’s birdbrain lines in the cinematic abominations that are Peter Jackson films—honestly, even I lose count on that last one—we like to do it.
And so I, Left Thumb, would like to share some of this numerical joy with you readers.
- Number of gag-worthy words in Atlas Shrugged: Approximately 650,000. In a remarkable coincidence, 650,000 happens to be the total word count of said book. Several bookstores have actually reported incidents involving regurgitated clam chowder in the “literature section”,* right around the letter “R”.
- Number of times Right Thumb has shrieked in ecstasy following a movie viewing: 7. Those seven happen to be Casino Royale, Barry Lyndon, Vertigo, The Insider, and three episodes of Battlestar Galactica.** It’s a sight to behold. After finishing each of these movies, he erupted into a number of high-pitched squeals of cinematic glee, accompanied by erratic pacing and strange, seemingly random motions of the arms. Observers have likened this behavior to the mating rituals of duck-billed platypuses, or the joyful antics of an intelligent high-school student who just discovered that Margaret Atwood was taken off the required reading list.
- Number of times I was present when Right Thumb shrieked his shriek: 3. Yes, not even half, sadly enough. Moreover, I have yet to see The Insider at all, although I do have it on hold at the library.***
- Number of times I can listen to Hey Jude without getting sick of it: 0.473. You feel the same way, whether you care to admit it or not.
- Number of pet duck-billed platypuses that I own: 0. It’s still a bone of contention with the powers that be. Protected species my left foot.
- Number of Isaac Asimov books that are worth reading: 10. Those being The End of Eternity, the three in the original Foundation trilogy, I, Robot, the first two in the Robot series, and the three in the Galactic Empire series. Go read them, they’re good. And I know good Books. Even if I don’t have a Ph. D.
- Number of Oscars that Titanic received: 11.
- Number of Oscars that Titanic should never have received in five million years, even under threat of nuclear attack, even if the only other film in the running was Babe: Pig in the City, even if a gunman hired by James Cameron stormed the Academy deliberations and said “You give Titanic awards, me no kill you!”: 11.
- Standard number of washbasins in a Trappist monastery: 6. Shameful. (According to their Carthusian neighbors, at least.)
- Number of heinous sins committed by the aforementioned Carthusians, captured forever and for all posterity on camera: Innumerable. Appalling. (Hypocrites.)
- Number of megabytes of information that a normal human brain can contain: 300. Yes, that’s right. Your USB flash drive is smarter than you.
- Number of megabytes Right Thumb’s brain can contain: ????. Estimates differ, but all agree that it is most certainly more than some scrawny USB flash drive.
-Number of megabytes contained in this post/document: .037. Meaning that I, Left Thumb, have successfully taken control of 1/8100 of your consciousness. At our current posting rate, this indicates that in approximately 57 years, Two Thumbs Sideways will have completely consumed the brains of its readers. It remains uncertain what exactly the consequences of this will be, but all analyses seem to predict that certain individuals who are particularly receptive will be neurologically compelled to do our every bidding.
Hang in there, Right Thumb. In 2066 we’ll finally have someone to bring us the coffee.
> Left Thumb <
* This label is even more ironic than a typical Two Thumbs Sideways post.
** Yes, Battlestar Galactica isn’t technically a film. But seeing as its direction, casting, acting, writing, production, special effects, art direction, costuming, lighting and cinematography are all better than any film out there, it most certainly belongs here in this case.
*** Yes, unbeknownst to the masses, libraries do stock good movies. Blockbuster executives (and, bafflingly, the federal government) do their utmost to keep this factoid under wraps.
And so I, Left Thumb, would like to share some of this numerical joy with you readers.
- Number of gag-worthy words in Atlas Shrugged: Approximately 650,000. In a remarkable coincidence, 650,000 happens to be the total word count of said book. Several bookstores have actually reported incidents involving regurgitated clam chowder in the “literature section”,* right around the letter “R”.
- Number of times Right Thumb has shrieked in ecstasy following a movie viewing: 7. Those seven happen to be Casino Royale, Barry Lyndon, Vertigo, The Insider, and three episodes of Battlestar Galactica.** It’s a sight to behold. After finishing each of these movies, he erupted into a number of high-pitched squeals of cinematic glee, accompanied by erratic pacing and strange, seemingly random motions of the arms. Observers have likened this behavior to the mating rituals of duck-billed platypuses, or the joyful antics of an intelligent high-school student who just discovered that Margaret Atwood was taken off the required reading list.
- Number of times I was present when Right Thumb shrieked his shriek: 3. Yes, not even half, sadly enough. Moreover, I have yet to see The Insider at all, although I do have it on hold at the library.***
- Number of times I can listen to Hey Jude without getting sick of it: 0.473. You feel the same way, whether you care to admit it or not.
- Number of pet duck-billed platypuses that I own: 0. It’s still a bone of contention with the powers that be. Protected species my left foot.
- Number of Isaac Asimov books that are worth reading: 10. Those being The End of Eternity, the three in the original Foundation trilogy, I, Robot, the first two in the Robot series, and the three in the Galactic Empire series. Go read them, they’re good. And I know good Books. Even if I don’t have a Ph. D.
- Number of Oscars that Titanic received: 11.
- Number of Oscars that Titanic should never have received in five million years, even under threat of nuclear attack, even if the only other film in the running was Babe: Pig in the City, even if a gunman hired by James Cameron stormed the Academy deliberations and said “You give Titanic awards, me no kill you!”: 11.
- Standard number of washbasins in a Trappist monastery: 6. Shameful. (According to their Carthusian neighbors, at least.)
- Number of heinous sins committed by the aforementioned Carthusians, captured forever and for all posterity on camera: Innumerable. Appalling. (Hypocrites.)
- Number of megabytes of information that a normal human brain can contain: 300. Yes, that’s right. Your USB flash drive is smarter than you.
- Number of megabytes Right Thumb’s brain can contain: ????. Estimates differ, but all agree that it is most certainly more than some scrawny USB flash drive.
-Number of megabytes contained in this post/document: .037. Meaning that I, Left Thumb, have successfully taken control of 1/8100 of your consciousness. At our current posting rate, this indicates that in approximately 57 years, Two Thumbs Sideways will have completely consumed the brains of its readers. It remains uncertain what exactly the consequences of this will be, but all analyses seem to predict that certain individuals who are particularly receptive will be neurologically compelled to do our every bidding.
Hang in there, Right Thumb. In 2066 we’ll finally have someone to bring us the coffee.
> Left Thumb <
* This label is even more ironic than a typical Two Thumbs Sideways post.
** Yes, Battlestar Galactica isn’t technically a film. But seeing as its direction, casting, acting, writing, production, special effects, art direction, costuming, lighting and cinematography are all better than any film out there, it most certainly belongs here in this case.
*** Yes, unbeknownst to the masses, libraries do stock good movies. Blockbuster executives (and, bafflingly, the federal government) do their utmost to keep this factoid under wraps.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
